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Davis

Davis, California

Sunday, September 26, 2021

Column: Of coming too soon and glitter

I had three papers to write last week, averaging no more than two hours of sleep each night. Cinco de Mayo was on Wednesday and it would have been a shame to let my culture go uncelebrated. The weekend was trippy, to say the least, complete with hippies, raves and the nicest lady ever who took my dirty dish and gave me a dollar. All that was followed by a very hungover phone call home to wish my mom a happy Mother’s Day. I’m exhausted.

That being said, it would be very cruel of you to expect much from this column. Currently, I’m vegged out in bed, donning a nasty old T-shirt from my fat years and some sweatpants. (Yeah, me in sweatpants? Believe me, I’m ashamed of myself, too. But it could be worse. I could be wearing Uggs. Ew. Or even worse – Crocs. Those are nasty.)

So, in all my blob-tastic existence, all I’m capable of doing at the moment is answering questions. And surprisingly, I’ve received lots of them lately. Here’s another edition of “Dear Mario.”

Dear Mario,

My current boyfriend and I have been dating for several months now, but when we try to have sex, he cums too early. He’s really embarrassed about it, and no matter how many times I try to reassure him, his self-esteem goes down. I’ve told him that this does happen to other guys, and I just want to be more intimate with him, but nothing seems to work – I miss sex!

What should I say to him and how should I approach the situation next time we try to go at it?

– Little Miss Sex

If I were you, Little Miss, I wouldn’t have done anything differently – talking to your boyfriend is a great start! Keep reassuring your boyfriend that it’s okay and you don’t have a problem with it. Premature ejaculation happens to a lot of guys – and I’m sure many, if not all, of them reacted just like your boyfriend did. The thing about guys is that they like to build up this machismo complex about themselves, and anything that threatens said machismo makes them wimpy (or so they feel).

Refute that. Let him know that’s not the case. He’s just as manly as ever, and you’re just as horny as ever. While sex most certainly is not the most important aspect in a relationship, it does come with its great deal of significance. That said, keep trying. When you think he’s slowing down because he’s afraid to cum, tell him you want to keep going. Or you could perhaps try not jumping straight into sex – oral and manual stimulation could be perfect alternatives.

Dear Mario,

I fuckin’ love you. Your column makes me laugh every Monday. Thanks for writing something in the paper that I can laugh at, and that makes my homophobic friends squirm. You’re the man, Mario.

Some guy

I think that was the first time someone’s ever called me “the man.” Regardless, it was really nice and I appreciate you taking the time to send the e-mail. And I’m super glad you’re enjoying my columns; that’s more than I could ask of my readers!

In regards to your friends, fight homophobia! It makes the world an ugly place. So, talk to your friends and get ’em informed. I’m just gay – I won’t bite you. (Unless you ask … )

Dear Mario,

I like this guy. One day, I was standing behind him in the bus terminal and I gave a big sigh since it seemed to be a long bus ride home. He turned back and looked at me. Looking back on it, I realized I should have said something. But my gaydar needs tweaking.

He dresses like a normal breeder: black pants with brown shoes, but different shirts that are not too flamboyant. How do I know if he bats for the same team without making a mistake?

Curiouser and curiouser

Oh, honeybee. I’ll make this short: It’s not healthy to judge people – and yes, that’s ultimately what you’re doing. Talk to this guy. Get to know him. If his sexuality pops up, learn about it. If it doesn’t, talk about it in a nonthreatening way. And talk about your sexuality, too. That’s healthy.

Dear Mario,

I’m starting to think the glitter is becoming an addiction for you. I mean bless Martha Stewart and all, but you’re going make her rich. I don’t see you anymore. I’m so blinded by all the glitter!

A concerned friend

A note to my readers who have yet to see me in person: I wear glitter on a daily basis – on my face, around my eyes, on my clothes, everywhere. I have a Martha Stewart collection variety pack of glitter and I bought it from our very own bookstore! Sometimes I just quickly sprinkle a bit on. Other times I’m drowned in it.

In all honesty, though, glitter is a part of who I am. I love wearing it. It’s funny how something so small and shiny can make such an impact – I get so many stares and weird looks. That’s what’s wrong with our world: We’re too afraid of what’s different. And boys wearing glitter? That’s different.

But I’m not going to keep from wearing it. Yes, I’m a boy – that’s a fact. I wear glitter. That’s also a fact. Who is anyone to tell me those two facts can’t coincide?

Next, are you going to tell me I can’t play with the Barbie I recently bought myself? You’re crazy.

MARIO LUGO is going to say it: He’s more impressed with Miley Cyrus’ “Can’t Be Tamed” music video than Xtina’s desperate cry for attention video. And Beyoncé works it out in “Why Don’t You Love Me” as B.B. Homemaker – she takes a bath in jewelry and heels! For more useful news on divas, send an e-mail to mlugo@ucdavis.edu.

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