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Thursday, October 21, 2021

Column: Angry chick syndrome

To hear some girls talk, you’d think that every guy on the face of the planet is a conniving, black-hearted, candy-stealing blaggard who doesn’t brake for furry woodland creatures. I’d point out that they’re probably barking up the wrong trees, but people tend to not like hearing that they indirectly screw themselves over.

Where the single ladies often cross the line is when they go so far as to declare they’re gonna swear off boys. We’ve all overheard a girl say, “Fuck guys! They’re all assholes.” I was gonna use the term boy-cott, but it would look like I’m trying too hard. As a wise man told me, “That only reinforces the stereotype of the crazy bitch.” It brings to light a phenomenon I’d like to dub “angry chick syndrome” (ACS). No amount of cowbell seems to cure this business.

Some girls naturally have more severe cases of ACS. Others don’t seem to possess it much at all. Obviously, everyone’s got their breaking points. If you ever find your boyfriend making out with your best friend’s cousin’s family friend, then by all means make all the jokes in the world about throwing rocks at boys. But if it’s something insignificant and not worth getting pissed over, subscribe to Theresa-ism No. 23.

Theresa is my friend. She’s awesome. She ranks pretty low on the ACS chart. I know she’s awesome because you have to be awesome to have your own set of isms. Theresa-ism No. 23 is based on an incident in which she once said, “Ugh, he never texted me.” Shrug. “Oh, well. Maybe he died.” And then she got the fuck on with her life and never looked back. I know these things are easier said than done, but check yourselves, ladies.

Many a time have I been dragged out of a party by a friend because some villainous fella was present. Many a time have I been forced to listen to tangents that contain the phrase “I hate that asshole” so frequently that I could turn it into a drinking game. A source for the other side informed me that guys just jerk it more after a break-up, but womankind clearly prefers to get really angry instead.

The thing is females often forget that they’re not perfect and they do lousy things, too. In fact, they can be downright cruel to guys as well as each other. Just about every girl has strung a guy along who she never had any real interest in, to fuel her own ego, or just to take advantage. I’ll admit I once extorted a bunch of Jack in the Box from a dude and bounced. Girls verbally tear guys apart in ways they would never want to be spoken about. They’re often picky as hell, whether it’s over looks, status, or materials.

You can’t abandon the entire species just because a few of them don’t know what the hell they’re doing. A three-day hiatus is perfectly acceptable, but a holdout will never succeed – no one wants to hear about it.

First and foremost, there should be the obvious. You’re biologically hardwired to crave their sperm on an unconscious level. One of my friends craves it on a conscious level, actually – she has a poster of babies on her bedroom door. Luckily, she’s extremely hot, so it’s never really deterred anyone. Anyway, sperm should be handled with caution. It’s dangerous and has been known to contain babies. But without it, the human race would die out and the planet would be overtaken by robots and apes that would battle it out to the tune of a Hans Zimmer (who’s awesome, for the record) soundtrack in a Bruckheimer film. No one needs to see another one of those.

Secondly, some of them are actually really nice people. They’re good for holding onto your keys when you get kicked out of bars, lifting heavy things and explaining to you what a carburetor is. Some of them even write songs for girls they like, and if your name is Pattie Boyd, then shitloads of songs were written about you. The lesson here being that you should marry a rock star – two, if you can swing it. I doubt models who get their own songs spend a lot of time suffering from ACS.

Thirdly, somewhere out there is a guy who will do his best to ensure that your ACS only kicks in sparingly. He has all the best qualities of Zach Morris, Cappie, Ferris Bueller, Westley, Seth Cohen, Ari Gold, Jack Dawson – hell, maybe even a little Spiccoli, because I like funny guys who are smart but don’t always act like it. It’s too bad that none of the aforementioned exist. Balls.

MICHELLE RICK awaits your angry chick e-mail to marick@ucdavis.edu.

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