I am never playing Ultimate Frisbee again.
In an effort to enjoy the outdoors and take a stab at being a guy for once, I decided to play the game with my fraternity brothers as part of our rush last week. Admittedly, it was all fun and gay at first. But, you know how it goes: It’s only like that until someone gets hurt.
I was that someone. And now I’m left with a bruised, swollen left ankle, limping around campus like a drag queen with a broken heel. Not cute.
My friends did what any good friends would do: Laugh and point whenever I hobbled into a room. Mockery, apparently, is the perfect cure:
“Why are you walking so funny?” they would ask, parodying the pained expression in my face. “Did you just finish a quickie? Still hurting?” I have the greatest friends ever.
But one friend, one who shares my understanding of the importance of sex in daily conversation, chimed gold amid catty coal: “Since you’re all limp and shit, ever consider writing about sex-related injuries?”
It happens more often than you think, honeybees. According to MedicalInsurance.org, nearly a third of Americans suffer from a sex-related injury. Ever thought you were more flexible than you actually are and end up pulling something? You’re not alone: A pulled muscle is the most common injury.
“My boyfriend is always cramping up in his legs,” says a friend of mine. She admits he gets a little too adventurous in their sexual positioning and “ends up clenching up and ruining the mood.”
Though I’m fortunately fairly flexible (for which my boyfriend is very appreciative), I offer a little precautionary practice to help get you limber. It may seem silly, but experts agree that stretching, just like one would before running or something (or in my case, extreme shopping), may be beneficial before getting down to frisky business.
Other common injuries listed on the site include back injuries, carpet or rug burns (ouch – those do hurt!), a cricked neck, bashed elbows and knees, bruised shoulders, sprained ankles and wrists, and bending fingers back too far.
A friend of mine, who frequently satisfied his lustful fix in the backseat of his car, told me of his strife with continual neck problems from having his head “pounded into the door like a pile driver.” Another friend I asked about sex injuries flaunted quite the lover’s wound: A scar on his left shoulder.
“I guess we were a bit too drunk to realize we had knocked into the towel rack,” he laughed. “I realized the blood was on me the next morning.”
Although a doctor’s visit may not be required for these minor muscle cramps, bumps and bruises, more serious injuries can occur. A common problem for the ladies: Small cuts or tears in the vajayjay. This is often the result of not enough lubricant, a situation that could easily be mended with an extra squirt of KY.
As a gay man, I am (not so) proud to say that some of us – the catchers for the pitchers, the tight ends for the stiff ends – can, too, fall victim to the pains of improper lubrication. Trust me when I say lube is your friend. Use it generously.
If those cuts or tears are fairly large, and bleeding doesn’t self regulate, medical attention may be required to prevent very serious infection.
There are a number of reasons why lovemaking could possibly go wrong, the most common being the location of where your dirty deeds are carried out. The sofa, the stairs, the car and the shower are the riskiest of places and most conducive to accidental injury. Although it could be fun sometimes, my remedial advice would be not trying to fit into a cramped space for sex – you’re just asking to get hurt.
But I understand that sometimes, things go wrong simply for the sake of going wrong. Another close friend of mine was dealt the worst streak of luck when her boyfriend thought it would be a cute idea to lift her onto the bathroom counter while canoodling before their shower. A sufferer of sweaty palms, her boyfriend lost grip of her booty cheeks for a sec as he began lifting her. Imagine the pain in my friend’s scream as she felt the scathing agony of “ripping a new one.”
Sex is always a risky thing. But when approached safely and knowledgeably, arousal and fun can result – not thigh cramps, bruises or rug burns. So take care of yourselves while traveling on your sexual journeys, honeybees. No one wants bad sex.
MARIO LUGO wishes he had a better story to tell about his ankle. Maybe he sprained it from having them handcuffed to his headboard? Perhaps he had trouble keeping his balance atop the washing machine? Suggest things at firstname.lastname@example.org – he can’t just say it was a Frisbee accident. That’s embarrassing.