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Davis, California

Thursday, May 30, 2024

Column: You’re all going straight to hell

“Ho-kay. So. Here’s the Earth. Damn, that is a sweet Earth, you might say.”

A lot of you are probably familiar with the above statement. It’s a video that can be found on YouTube, entitled “The End of the World.” Though quite aged, its popularity still rivals that of other funny online videos, such as “Double Rainbow.”

“The End of the World” is an animated story that tells of the coming apocalypse. The United States launches a missile at those “Chinese sons of bitches;” the French have a similar caustic attitude, but are thwarted by lethargy (“But I am le tired”); Australia is freakin’ clueless (WTF, mate? ^^); and an all-out nuclear war ensues! The whole world essentially dies through this explosive nuclear carnage.

However, California – good ol’ California – is able to bypass this doom by physically breaking off from the U.S and uniting with Hawaii and Alaska. And thank Mother Mary for that (not that Mary, mind you)! Crisis averted. Phew.

Yup, good ol’ California. Land of the crazies and the hippies and those leftist motherfuckers. Those sinners! California, home of illegal immigrants and coked-out Hollywood, stoner surfers and ridiculous slang: “Dooooooode! I’m like, hella stoked on getting cross-FADED tonight, bruh!,” says douchebag in white sunglasses sitting next to you in class.

Like, yeah, those damn Californians are always up to no good, man. They’re constantly doing shit the rest of the country hasn’t quite warmed up to yet, much to the chagrin of the federal government.

Take Prop. 19, for example.

Last Thursday, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder called out against the Regulate, Control and Tax Cannabis Act, vowing to “vigorously enforce” the federal ban on marijuana were it to pass.

This is the same Holder who, back in 2009, said the Obama administration would not single out medical marijuana users and suppliers who complied with state law, ending needless raids on dispensaries and saving a ton of taxpayer money.

So what’s with the change of heart, bro?

Okay, there is most definitely a difference between using cannabis to treat severe pain from illnesses like fibromyalgia, and using cannabis to intensify your Toy Story 3 viewing experience.

But all Mr. Holder is doing is reinforcing what’s already been said before: Pot is illegal as far as the federal government is concerned, and the battle of state versus the feds continues.

It happened in 1996 with Prop. 215, and it’ll happen again if Prop. 19 passes. Sure, there’s a chance that it may not pass this time around, but like gay marriage, you know it’ll happen sooner or later.

The passage of Prop. 215 allowed for the use of medical marijuana in California, and with our Golden State as a shining example, 13 other states soon followed. Arizona was the second state to approve its own medical cannabis law, and the Clinton administration’s U.S. Army general, drug czar and overall very angry guy Barry McCaffrey vowed to never allow another state to legalize medical marijuana.

Boy, was he wrong.

Like our friend Mr. Holder, Mr. McCaffrey underestimated the power that the spread of marijuana holds. In 1996, marijuana was a new, reliable and inexpensive treatment option for life-threatening illnesses like AIDS and cancer. Now, its medicinal and recreational uses have gone mainstream and can’t be shut down, no matter how hard the U.S. government may try.

A recent New York Times Economix blog post called California a “legal innovator of sorts” on marijuana laws, as well as in relation to past legislation. The topic of the post, a University of Chicago study on state jurisdictions, found that large states tend to be the first ones to adopt new and innovative laws, with smaller states following their example later on. The post concludes, “even if you do not live in California, pay attention to Proposition 19: maybe someday marijuana may come to a store near you.”

And we cannot forget the comparison of marijuana prohibition to alcohol prohibition in the 1920s. We all know how that turned out, but did you know that Californians took it upon their own hands to end National Prohibition in their own state in a vote of three-to-one for Repeal? That was in 1932, and California has been steadfast in its bitches-can’t-touch-this attitude ever since.

Ho-kay, so California’s been a leader in damn near everything, especially when it comes to legislation that is morally questionable in nature.

Some people act like legalizing marijuana would really mean “The End of the World,” a world where the state has more to say than the federal government.

Hell, we’ve just been voting our way down a sinful path, I guess, and maybe that’s where we’ll end up: Hell.

I’ll see you all in hell then, where everything will be blazin’, and so will I.

At least I won’t need a lighter.

MAY YANG wants to know what you think the guy from “Double Rainbow” was on, ’cause it defo isn’t weed. Send reasonable hypotheses to mayyang@ucdavis.edu.


  1. @higherlearning

    Your #1 argument is quite amusing. Let’s use your logic in which you disagree that “we must distinguish bewteen medical and recreational use”. You believe that medical use should be no different than recreational “whether you have cancer or not”, and go as far as to assume that cancer patients are using cannabis for the same reasons you are.

    This is atrocious and heinously naive on your part. The drug is used to lessen the pain of those who undergo very painful cancer treatments; essentially a painkiller. It is being used as a medicinal remedy for symptoms. You, on the other hand, have no diagnosed symptoms to which the use is alleviating. The same logic you use could be turned to deem that morphine/oxy-codone should be provided to everyone whether you have pain/disease or not. It’s no wonder your comment is also riddled with grammatical errors and punctuation/spelling mistakes since you advocate smoking cannabis “EVERYDAY”. But I’ll curtail my insults to only your pathetic attempt at an argumentative comment, and not your lifestyle.

    G. Gunnery

  2. lol nice…so a couple of points

    1. I dont see why we must distinguish between medical use and recreational, does this mean that people who are sick have some sort of property that makes cannabis ok for them to smoke, and not me (a person who ist sick?)… Weed is weed, and you feel the same way whether you have cancer or not!

    2. People smoke weed everyday!! Legalizing it would simply mean that the police wont be able to arrest me (ok so im sure itll change a few other things surrounding the issue i.e. taxes etc.). If california decides not to legalize pot, ILL STILL BE SMOKING IT (in the comfort of my home, or in public…i love oakland beaches the best for smoking)

    hey hey hey hey….



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