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Monday, October 25, 2021

Column: Think long and hard

Do you ever find yourself drifting off in thought when you’re really supposed to be paying attention – getting lost in, say, musings of your day or what you’re planning to do this weekend?

Yeah, I do that a lot, too. But I warn you – I’m not like other people. I think about … dirty things.

One particular moment of reverie, for example, had me pondering: Why are penises shaped the way they are?

Thanks to a quick Google search, an article in Scientific American had just what I was looking for. But before the journey of phallic discovery begins, let us stop and chew over the penis for a bit. (No pun intended, but now that we’re here, a tip: Guys usually aren’t too fond their junk getting chomped on.)

Though they come in various shapes and sizes, the average penis is about five to six inches long and about five inches in perimeter, according to the article. They all have a shaft, a head, and some have a little something extra to cover it. Fun fact: We’re the only species with that mushroom-shaped glans, the textbook name for head. You learn the best things in college, don’t you?

Anyway, the article describes a study administered by evolutionary psychologist Gordon Gallup at the State University of New York, Albany. In it, Gallup and his team were focused on testing their “semen displacement theory,” one that attributes the duty of removing unwanted semen from a woman’s vagina to the coronal ridge of the penis. According to the theoretical paper published in Evolutionary Psychology, Gallup claims: “A longer penis would not only have been an advantage for leaving semen in a less accessible part of the vagina, but by filling and expanding the vagina, it also would aid and abet the displacement of semen left by other males as a means of maximizing the likelihood of paternity.”

Now, some of us don’t need to worry about this. (Shout out to my gays and monogamists!) And normally, I wouldn’t support this coital mode of thinking – there are more ways to have sex. But according to the study, the penis developed the ridge between the head and shaft as a way to remove the “semen of competitors” from the female’s cervix, completely “expunging” any threat the sexual rival’s seed may carry.

Sounds silly, right? But it worked: After simulating stimulation using a couple high-tech, state-of-the-art dildos and a “headless” phallus with no coronal ridge, the researchers found that 91 percent of semen was removed, thanks to the ridge. The ridge-less phallus only removed 35.3 percent.

And it gets better the deeper you go, research says: The deeper the thrust, the more semen is removed. Gallup and his team found that any insertion less than halfway fails to get rid of any semen at all.

While all that is really nifty knowledge, I can’t help but dwell on the subject. I then realized that while penises share some common features, they all look different. Having seen a few throughout the years, I thought I’d help you picture some types of peen you might encounter. It’s a big, sexy world out there filled with penises – so, honeybees, here’s a self-made list of some of the available goods out there to finish today’s column. If you’ve only seen a few, or none at all, fear not! I’m here to help you conceptualize.

The Arrow

More commonly referred to as “the pencil,” the arrow may be on the skinny side, but small it is not. Some might enjoy its length, as it’s pretty capable of reaching some good spots. But when playing with an arrow, girth is something you’ll just have to do without – the arrow is not known for its circumference.

The Bow

An archer needs a bow to shoot an arrow. You know, that curved thingy.

Sometimes, a man’s little soldier is curved, too. But whether it bends left, right, up, down, or in some other direction, it’ll do you just fine. Make sure you saddle up accordingly and make proper positional adjustments. It will still hit the target – you just have to work a little harder at it now.

The Obelisk

C’mon, there’s a reason why we chuckle at the sight of the Washington Monument: It looks like a dick! Its shape is wide at the base and narrows at the tip. The extra girth really helps stimulate the entryway, while the narrow end slides up and in with the greatest of ease.

The Button

Deemed so because it is just so damn cute, the button is small, but functional. As a result of its petite build, it usually slides right in without much pain or need for tons of lube. So even if you’re a bit underwhelmed with the little guy, it will still do the job. A word to the wise: Don’t be a size queen – you never know what good things will be in that small package.

The Grower

Aw, man. It’s a button, you might think when your guy drops trou and reveals his little friend. Literally.

But, what’s this? It seems to be … getting bigger. Make room for the grower, ladies and gents, a snake so shy it fools you into believing it’s a mere garter, then surprise! You’ve got yourself a boa. It’s like Christmas … only sexier.

In the name of journalistic integrity and fairness, MARIO LUGO is planning to visit unchartered territory by writing about lady parts next week. Wish him luck at mlugo@ucdavis.edu. And PS – be on the lookout for an “Unedited” version of this column, coming to a Facebook profile near you! 😉

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