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Monday, October 18, 2021

Column: Let me play with you

Intrigue begins to slither down your spine. Their smile, their eyes, their laugh, their sexy ass in those jeans – all too tempting. Your heart begins to pound, your body is on fire, and your mouth is watering. Your only chance at quenching this insatiable thirst lies in their kiss, their touch, their body touching yours – no shoes, no shirt, all you need is just skin.

They come toward you in a sultry stride. As they get closer, you tremble in anticipation. They wrap their arms around your neck and caress the side of your face with theirs. After a slight lick on your ear that sends chills all over your body, they whisper what you’ve been waiting to hear this whole time: “Let’s just make out tonight, OK? I don’t really feel like having sex.”

Okay, maybe that’s not exactly what you wanted to hear. But as ridiculous as this sounds, people just don’t feel like having sex all the time. (And I’m sorry I got you all steamed up and let you down. Ladies, consider that Blue Balls 101.)

Take this lovely honeybee whothat recently sent me this e-mail:

Dear Mario,

My boyfriend is really pushing it with sex. He doesn’t seem to be happy unless I’m riding him cowgirl, just how he likes. I’m getting tired of it. Foreplay isn’t my strong suit, so my question: What kinds of things besides actual sex could my boyfriend and I do?

Done Saddling Up

Before I share some titillating substitutes for sex, let’s talk about foreplay. For starters, there is no clear-cut definition of the word. Trusty Wikipedia describes it as a “set of intimate psychological and physical acts between two or more people meant to create desire for sexual activity and sexual arousal.” I define it as anything I do to the hot dog before I decide to put it in my hot pair of buns.

Looking at the big picture, foreplay is sometimes regarded as a prime first step that stimulates and preps the body and mind to move through the phases of the sexual cycle. But if all you’re looking to do is get off, foreplay really doesn’t affect your ability to do so.

In a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2008, over 2,300 women were asked to detail their sex lives from duration of foreplay to likelihood of orgasm. Researchers examined the frequency of orgasm among these women in relation to foreplay and actual sex, discovering that the average length of foreplay and intercourse was 15.4 and 16.2 minutes, respectively. This evidence indicated that links between foreplay and orgasm were insignificant. Instead, longer intercourse is suggested for greater probability of orgasm for women.

Think of it this way: A lot of us skip the prologues to books we read. That doesn’t mean we’re not going to enjoy the ending, right? (And just so you know, those numbers are for European couples – we Americans only last about seven minutes. Doesn’t sound like heaven now that you know the Euros can do it longer, huh?)

But just because foreplay isn’t necessary to your climax, doesn’t mean it can’t be alluring and fun. In all honesty, when time permits, I tend to want to indulge more in the prologue before cracking open the novel that is raunchy sex. Sure, it may take longer to get to the epilogue, but I like getting creative during the waiting period.

Some ways to get creative are simple. Foreplay is about stumbling upon different things that feel good, figuring out new ways to make your partner squirm with pleasure and simply practicing more safe and relaxed sexual deeds.

Touching is big part of foreplay – whether you’re touching yourself (masturbation), touching each other (mutual masturbation), you name it! You can go for the obvious sexy parts or you can linger around elsewhere on the body. Massages are the perfect example.

Kissing also plays a hefty role. Deep, tongue kissing is powerful, but smooching on other parts of the body like your partner’s ears, neck, eyelids, shoulders, breasts, stomach, back and inner thighs can be extremely relaxing and pleasurable, too. And don’t be afraid to revisit a time of innocence – you know, PG-13 make-out sessions.

But in the end, foreplay is all about fun. It’s called foreplay, honeybees. So do just that – play around. Games are perfect in the bedroom, perhaps some role-playing or X-rated card games. If you’re not afraid of light S&M, blindfolds and handcuffs are the perfect knick-knacks. For your sweet tooth, use some chocolate or grab a can of whipped cream and have some fun licking it off your favorite part of your lover’s body. After all, as long as it’s okay with the both of you, no one ever said you can’t have sex and eat it, too.

MARIO LUGO was inspired by a song off Rihanna’s new album to write this column. If you wish to gab incessantly about how great of a record it was, or if you’ve got more sex questions, e-mail him at mlugo@ucdavis.edu.

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