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Thursday, October 21, 2021

Column: Rules to live by

Since
this is my last column of the quarter, and perhaps the conclusion of my column
writing career altogether, I want to leave you, the readers, with something
special. Ideally, my season finale will be profound, and offer insights that
will shake you to your core and leave you weeping in a state of revelatory
catharsis because of my having provided you brilliance in its truest, most pure
form.

But,
then again, that sounds terribly grueling from an artistic standpoint. So,
instead, I’ve opted for a social commentary of sorts. That is, I’ve compiled a
list of the maxims, or commandments, I have attributed to — in my constant
study of college social types — the three main student groups I’ve perceived in
my two plus years at Davis. They are as follows:

The College Bro: I. Thou shalt respect thy bros before thy hoes: Male friends before female
interests, always. II. Thou shalt not be deterred by obstacles in pursuit of
a girl:
Just
because there is a goalie does not mean one cannot score. III. Thou shalt
drink until she is a 10:
A bro drinks, if for lack of a better option, until the object of his
“affection” becomes attractive. IV. Those of hate shall hate upon thee: Those endowed with hateful tendencies
will, by virtue of their malicious nature, inevitably express hatred. In other
words, haters gonna hate. V. Thou shan’t be tied down: A bro must not be tied down for
an extended period by any girl. He may, however, join a fraternity. VI. Thou
shalt worship Lacoste and pop thy collar
: Lacoste is the brand of the bro, and should, ideally,
be worn with the collar “turned-up” to exhibit one’s masculine status. VII.
Thou shalt act douche-y:
To act douche-y is to be bro, for niceties are signs of the feminine.
VIII. Thou shalt wrap thy soldier: A bro is at his bro-est when he practices safe sex. IX. Thou shalt excel at beer
pong:
Be good at
beer pong or consider your bro status void. X. Thou shalt ignore bro rules
when it serves thy self:
Rules are irrelevant to the bro when their own interests are at
stake.

The College Slacker: I. Thou shalt procrastinate: Procrastination, to the slacker,
is a means of enhancing life experiences. It is not just a bad habit, but an
addiction. For even the most inane of trivialities will seem fascinating when
under procrastination’s effect. II. Thou shalt work only under extreme
pressure:

Pressure is the means by which the college slacker achieves “productivity.” III.
Marijuana is thy weapon:
Marijuana is the tool by which a slacker combats feelings of
productivity in him/herself and others. IV. Facebook is thy friend: A slacker will spend many
useless hours here. A good slacker will even think of status updates far in
advance of an actual posting. V. Thou shalt not exert full effort: Because effort is for those who
act as though they care. VI. Thou shalt act as if uncaring: Because to seem as though one
cares is to not be apathetic and thus not be of the slacker style. VII. Thou
shalt clean only when there are witnesses:
Cleaning when alone is pointless for the slacker,
because nobody will know of their contribution. VIII. Thou shalt avoid CalPIRG
and other student groups:
Slackers do not get involved. They slack, and thus must avoid
contact with “the man.” IX. Thou shalt read miscellaneous, irrelevant
articles:
A
slacker must act as though intelligent by exhibiting a large base of useless
knowledge. X. Thou shalt complain often: For a slacker enjoys nothing more than to complain
(or brag) about how much work he or she has slacked on.

The College Partier: I. Thou shalt get drunk: For to be intoxicated is to be
happy. II. Thou shalt throw up in the toilet: Anywhere else is prohibited. III.
Thou shalt regret thy decisions, but eventually recover:
Regret, to the partier, is fleeting.
IV. Thou shalt use alcohol as liquid courage: Alcohol is the party student’s
social lubricant, for lack of actual social skills. V. Thou shalt eat while
intoxicated:
To
satisfy one’s self-destructive urges. VI. Thou shalt always knock if thou
has a roommate:
To
avoid scarring oneself with the naked image of a close friend in the midst of a
drunken hook-up. VII. Thou shalt drink ’til thou can drink no more: To push the limits of one’s
capacity is to truly party. VIII. Thou shalt have party friends separate
from sober friends:
Because
a partier’s sober friends probably cannot compete with their level of alcohol
consumption. IX.
Thou shalt get good grades: In order to reward oneself with more partying. X. Thou
shalt form deep social bonds while drunk:
and not remember them while sober.

 

JAMES O’HARA enjoyed writing a column this quarter
and hopes he can do it for another three months (If he gets re-hired!). If not,
he thanks you all for reading. E-mail him at jpohara@ucdavis.edu.

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