In the aftermath of UC Davis receiving an F grade on its recent transparency audit from Californians Aware, I had the opportunity to sit down with the man responsible, one of UC Davis’ most important administrators, our “high priest of transparency,” Charlie Sheen.
Rottman: Good morning, Charlie.
Sheen: It is, isn’t it? It’s really a great frickin’ morning and I’m watching the sunrise from the cockpit of an F-18, bro. It might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view.
JR: Charlie, last week The Aggie printed a troublesome story revealing how UC Davis failed to comply with California’s Public Records Act, taking more than 30 days to deliver public documents requested by the third party organization. As our high priest of transparency, how do you respond to the results of this audit?
CS: Trolls, morons, all of ’em. It’s simply not true. There is no 30 days, and I find it hilarious that people take their word over mine. I mean, look who you’re talkin’ to here. I’m captaining a flaming battleship, and still magically and effortlessly producing documents for these losers every day.
JR: So from your perspective, because there is no explicit timeline in the California Public Records Act, the university couldn’t have failed to comply with it?
CS: Uh, duh? The scoreboard doesn’t lie, never has. These turds wanna give me some useless terrestrial grade? I’ll mount them on my wall with all the other sissies. You wanna go to war with me, then you better bring a steel poncho brother because I will murder you violently.
JR: Some argue that the request process that Californians Aware went through to obtain documents is the same as what any student and parent would have to go through. Is it unreasonable to expect people to request these types of documents more than a month before they’ll need them, or risk not getting them in time?
CS: Look – they may be nails, but I am a battle-tested bayonet, bro. I’m not here to babysit. I-I don’t know-won the Academy Award at 23? I’m dealing with fools and trolls, here. I mean, come on.
JR: In your experience, has the university ever completely failed to provide a document that someone requested?
CS: My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math! Pure and complete gnarlyisms with these people. I’m so tired of pretending that my life isn’t perfect, and bitchin’, and just winning. Look, I have a master plan. In the end, everyone is going to win, because I’m a winner, and when you’re dealing with a winner, everyone wins. That’s the deal.
JR: Charlie, some students are very upset with the results of this audit. They feel like parts of the university have become bureaucracies so inefficient that they will sooner collapse than really get fixed.
CS: Look, I had no idea that the fourth dimensional aspect of it would even occur. They sound like these poor wandering souls at AA. You have a problem, you cure it. With your brain, with your mind. You’re cured. You’re done.
JR: Will your department reevaluate its processes because of this failing grade?
CS: Hmm, let’s see. I could do that, or I could go hang out with these two smokin’ hotties while these people lay down with their ugly wives, in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives. Wait, can’t process it – too busy winning!
JR: Do you think your behavior is at all responsible for the failures of your department?
CS: Ya know, you can kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. If they want me, it’s gonna be a smash. If they don’t, it’s gonna be a turd that opens on a tugboat, and you know it, bro.
JR: Look, Charlie, you can’t just string random ’80s catchphrases together and mix metaphors to explain the shortcomings of this department. There are serious problems with the way our university chooses to treat the people who pay into it, whether it’s requesting documents, applying for financial aid or communicating with the administration. Students want their university to treat them with decency and timely service, as they would expect from any successful business. Do you think the shortcomings uncovered in this transparency audit stem from the university’s more systemic addiction to forgetting that the student is actually their paying customer?
CS: Look, the only thing we’re addicted to right now is winning, you know?
JOSH ROTTMAN was getting a tattoo during the death from above, and it’s the banner from the death card that Kilgore is throwing on his victims, but there is also falling from it the apple from the giving tree. There’s his life. Reach him at email@example.com.