We all know what a comeback looks like – public figures like Britney Spears and Aerosmith have found their way back into the spotlight after a short little hiatus or slump.
Certain gems of fashion can also make a comeback – the style treasure inherent in a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses lay buried in the ’80s until someone dug them back up, shoved them on their face and rekindled the trend in this day and age.
So like the greats in entertainment and style, I’m making a comeback. I decided to take time off from page two last winter quarter – it felt more like withdrawal sitting at my computer, rocking back and forth, muttering “just one more. Let me write one more!” But I’m an addict for writing to you honeybees. I love this job way too much.
Don’t know me? Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Mario Lugo, and I’m a senior English major here at UC Davis. I’m a caramel-skinned Virgo who strives to be a friend to everyone, I always pack a sharp (and not to mention skilled) tongue and I’ve got a little waist that makes the squeeze into my size 29 jeans possible. Sorry, I’m just really proud of that.
I’m also a really proud gay man – sometimes a little too proud. I’ve been told that both my writing style and my existence in general are at times tough to swallow. But if things went my way, more people would be like me: an unashamed potty mouth who wears glitter on a daily basis and has no trouble swallowing much of anything. But to each his own – you do you, while I tell my hot Asian boyfriend to do me.
If you’re a virgin to my column, sorry – you’ll just have to get used to the sexual jokes and puns. Before, my columns have centered on relationships and sex, aiding my fellow Aggies in the ways of love and lust. I’d share my stories with absolutely no reservations, hoping my readers enjoy what I have to say and learn to love themselves and each other freely and sexually, yet responsibly.
This quarter marks the dawn of a new age. I still really love how Mario Lugo, sex columnist sounds – it’s no secret I want to be Carrie Bradshaw. But after so much time writing about penises and come and bondage and threesomes, I think it’s time to show my honeybees what else Mario Lugo can do.
Hence, this time around, I’d like to introduce you to my new column: The SECCS column. Pronounced just like everyone’s favorite word, SECCS is actually an acronym for the topics I will cover this spring. See, in essence, I’m still the same old Mario you all know and love – I’m just whoring around with different subject matter. Here’s what’s in store:
S – Sex
A writer, they say, writes what he knows. I know I like sex. So from time to time, I’ll be your friend in the paper with valuable information on sexuality. Like this golden nugget: The Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation released findings of a study in which they created 30 different odors and had about 30 men smell them, measuring increases in penile blood flow. Do piney fresh scents produce a woody? Wouldn’t you like to know…
E, C – Entertainment and Culture
Gay men, it seems, are today’s hottest gurus. So, let’s make your world a little brighter with a little rainbow. After all, gay is the new black – you’re going to need a gay guy’s opinion to stay relevant.
C – Courtship
The dating world can be a dark, scary place for some. But I can be your dating night-light: I’ve wined and dined, I’ve had my heart broken and, regretfully, I’ve even broken a few myself. Translation: certified wingman.
S – Style
Want to find out how to liven up your wardrobe with the hottest trends for the season? Look no further than this column here. With a penchant for couture, my style suggestions may be out of your particular comfort zone. But the beauty of fashion is pushing limits, trying new pieces while still making the outfit undeniably you. And I hope to light the spark for some hot and creative outfit ideas.
So there you have it honeybees, the bitch is back and better than ever. Are you ready for some dirty, hot SECCS this quarter?
MARIO LUGO loves being punny. If you do too, e-mail him at email@example.com.