Column: On dating seniors

Nope, not college seniors. And not high school seniors either, you sick people! Today, I give you dating advice with fresh new tips to spice up your love life.

A professor of mine read my column and admitted that he didn’t understand most of it. This is a lie. He’s just trying to cover his ass because he doesn’t want to admit he knows who Taio Cruz is. But this got me thinking (damn you professors – why are you always getting me thinking?), so in today’s column I’ll expand a tad for my demographic.

I recently read on the Internet (which means it is 110 percent true) that medical marijuana will soon outsell Viagra in the United States. People, this is an outrage. Do you have any idea what this means? It means that we aren’t having enough sex with old people. I, for one, am totally into dating older men. Hopefully I can convince you of the same.

First of all, you can’t go wrong with that senior citizen discount. Not to mention that old people all go out to eat smack dab in the middle of happy hour (which, you’ll notice, is a span of the most inconvenient hours possible). Now add in the fact that all old people are obsessive coupon-clippers. Tally up your dinner bill and – oh yeah! – Red Lobster is paying you to eat.

So, ladies, when that hottie from your econ class or whatever tells you he’s got a 30-rack of ice cold PBR that needs finishing, try to remember the other options you’ve got lined up in the dating department. You could be out with your sugar daddy at 4 in the afternoon, discussing Benefiber, or how outrageous sock prices have gotten. I truly believe that college-aged women aren’t taking full advantage of everyone out there. And the older set is pretty easy to find, too. The next time you are at your internship at the senior center, give that old dude a chance (you know the one I’m talking about – he’s always making a grab for your ass while you’re serving the tapioca, right?). He could become more than just an old man. He could be your old man. And as long as Viagra sales are up, you could be pleasantly surprised.

For the sake of fairness, I feel I need to include a similar section for my gentlemen readers. The thing is, I don’t think you guys need as much persuasion. Older women, ahem, know things. Things we younger ones haven’t learned yet. There is a reason why The Graduate has grossed over $100 million worldwide (it was made in the 1960s), and it’s not just because Anne Bancroft is totally smokin’. A cougar’s got her tricks, my friends.

Of course, with anyone you are dating, it is important to be picky. Have standards. Don’t just shack up with the first old codger who eyes your bobby socks. Conversation is always important, so look for someone who isn’t comatose. Make sure he is still breathing, for another thing. But other than that, there’s not much to look out for. He’ll drink Glenfiddich instead of Bud Light, and, if you can manage to snag one with failing eyesight, maybe he’ll let you drive the Porsche he purchased 20 years ago in his midlife crisis.

Single people of Davis, don’t distress. I’ve often felt out of options in the dating department, but since I’ve done the research, you don’t have to. I personally love reading my boyfriend’s copy of AARP magazine, and that’s just one of the many perks in our (only-slightly-unbalanced-yet-very-fulfilling) relationship. I suggest you pull a Benjamin Braddock and find a Mrs./Mr. Robinson of your own.

It really does make America look bad to have the ganja outselling Viagra. Like we’re a colony of hippies or criminals. No better than the Australians. So do your part. Serve your country by finding yourself a nice, only-partly senile senior citizen. You’ll be glad you did.

LENA PRESSESKY can be reached at lmpressesky@ucdavis.edu.