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Davis, California

Monday, June 17, 2024

Column: Mayday

May has got to be one of the best months Davis has to offer. From Whole Earth Festival to houseboats, May is basically 31 days of debauchery. I think the only thing missing is a maypole, which, believe it or not, is actually a very old Pagan tradition to ensure fertility. I think it would be awesome if UC Davis were to install one in the middle of the quad, and we could just get stoned all month and wind ribbons around a giant phallus. If that’s not your idea of fun, check your pulse.

This weekend is UC Davis’ Whole Earth Festival, hope you all know. For those new to Whole Earth, don’t believe the rumors. Of course it’s not just an enormous stoner-fest. The school would never condone that! It’s an enormous stoner-fest thinly veiled as a weekend of sustainability education, vegan burrito eating (there are more satisfying munchies, trust me) and naked dancing. OK, here is where the maypole could fit in. ASUCD, are you paying attention?

Seriously, Whole Earth is tons of fun. I particularly enjoy seeing the glum-looking children clad entirely in tie-dye, usually in the hands of tie-dye clad parents who are gravitating towards the tie-dye clothing stand. They just can’t get enough, but luckily, Whole Earth is the place to, ahem, let your true colors show.

Whether you’ll be taking part in Whole Earth Pineapple Express style, or just taking everything in sober (I can’t guarantee you’ll avoid the contact high though), remember that Whole Earth is all about embracing your inner hippie, all while sending out positive energy of peace, love and happiness. And whatever you do, don’t let the Karma patrol get you, because I’ve heard they’re pretty Stalinist in their punishments. Those biodegradable jail cells can be a nasty place.

Another favorite May event of mine is San Francisco’s Bay-to-Breakers race. Yes, this has nothing to do with the city of Davis, but I want to talk about it anyway because it’s so f-ing awesome. Do you like running? No, me neither. Do you like dressing up in small outfits/nothing at all and getting hammered at nine in the morning? OK, now we’re talking. At Bay-to-Breakers, you can choose to do one or the other, some people attempt both and a handful just pass out in the port-o-potties by the side of the road. This year, I’m giving up the running part and opting for the doing-drugs-on-random-floats route. I don’t see how anyone could not enjoy this. You tell everyone that you’re competing in a seven-mile race, while actually killing off brain cells and making out with some hillbilly from Middle America who heard San Francisco was full of free hookers and blow.

If the thought of seven miles of good old-fashioned drunken depravity makes you quiver like a bunny rabbit in spring heat, then attend houseboats at all costs. I don’t care whom you have to kill, just get on a mother-fucking boat. (However, if I hear that song crooned from the mouth of one more drunken boater, I will throw myself off a houseboat roof. And then paddle the 10 feet to shore. It will be melodramatic).

Houseboats is sort of like that book, Lord of the Flies. Basically, a feeling of lawlessness pervades the renowned Slaughterhouse Island, everyone runs around without pants on and there is the occasional pig-head on a stick that marks its carrier as King. People who have never set foot in nature before often believe themselves to be as dexterous and elegant as the Navi people traversing a blue jungle. This is where “Safe Boats” comes in, reminding us that we are, in fact, just a bunch of drunken undergrads.

With May’s arrival, I have tons of preparation to do. I’ve got to begin training for my 12-kilometer race through San Francisco, which includes perfecting my catches for the Jell-o shots that fly from open windows. I’ve got to sharpen my spear so I can navigate the perilous waters of Lake Shasta. And I’ve got to open my heart and my lungs to the festivities of this upcoming weekend. But it’s not all about the drugs, you know. It’s about those friends you make while on drugs that you’ll never remember in the morning. It’s going to be a good month.

LENA PRESSESKY can be reached at lmpressesky@ucdavis.edu.

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