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Tuesday, June 18, 2024

Column: Here’s to You

I realized too late that Memorial Day jipped me of a column. I had planned to do my very last as a “Response to my fans,” but lucky for me, I was offered a final chance to share parting words with my readers.

First, to the people who enjoyed my columns every week: Thank you for reading. To those who wrote to me, thank you, too. I was thrilled when I received my first fan mail, and soon they began flooding in, much akin to Harry’s Hogwarts acceptance letters, since a few of them were even carried by owl. I thoroughly enjoyed your insight and humor.

More importantly, however, this is to the people who didn’t enjoy my columns so much: Thank you for reading. I know you read every week, wading through the treacherous muck that I spew, diligently searching for the one line that doesn’t suck, but to no avail. Your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed.

Further, I cannot tell you how humbled I am, that you would spend your valuable time on my columns, despite the fact that you find me offensive, degrading, or pointless (all things I aspire to be!). When I find other writers so abominable, I usually skip right over what they have to say. But not you, my loyal haters. Such courage. I’m sure you’ll all be thrilled to know I’m graduating, although that does mean there will be little else to discuss in the future. Please, feel free to bitch about this column at length amongst yourselves, for it will be the last piece of insensitive, problematic word-vomit you read from me. And once I’m gone, go find something even more productive to do, like watching old reruns of “Flavor of Love.”

Authorship is an interesting thing. Opening up The Aggie every Monday and seeing my picture and my name on page two never lost its shock value. Our opinions this quarter ranged from the insightful to the offensive to the outrageous, and as columnists, we are lucky in that we get to share our voices. But writing for the public is risky as well. I’ve often found myself wishing I had a pen-name (though mostly because I wish people would start calling me Buttercup Cinnamontits). To my fellow columnists this quarter, and to past ones as well – you’ve got balls.

All in all, it’s been a pleasure writing for this student body. I did not expect the enthusiasm I received, from both sides of the spectrum. I’m officially done, but I’d like to remind you that The Aggie needs a new potty-mouthed writer to expel his or her general bad attitude all over the page once a week. If you think you can fill my shoes, visit The Aggie office in Lower Freeborn to pick up an application.

Just one more thing I’d like to address: One of the problems raised about my writing is that I endorse bad behavior, like drug usury, photo-bombing and maypole dancing (that last one is a scandalous subject). I was under the impression that we are all college students, with minds of our own, and the things that I say won’t totally tip my readers into Satan’s clutches. Clearly, I’m wrong, so I’m going to take advantage of my newfound power of manipulation to tell you this, UC Davis: I want a life-sized statue of myself erected on the quad by next week. And every morning, a long line of eager students should form around it, all waiting their turns to kiss my perky granite ass. Good luck with finals, all.

LENA PRESSESKY can be reached (for the last time! Send me a freakin’ e-mail!) at lmpressesky@ucdavis.edu

2 COMMENTS

  1. The term “gypped” – which the author has misspelled as jipped – is offensive to some parties.

    It refers to getting pick-pocketed or robbed by Gypsies, a historically persecuted and stateless group in Eastern Europe.

    Was the use of this word part of your “potty-mouth” antics, or simply ignorance maintained through out your academic career to date?

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