Bros: You’ve seen them around Davis. Whether they’re racing past you on their bikes wearing lacrosse pinnies or drinking Natty Ice on their front lawns blasting Jack Johnson, they’re everywhere.
College campuses across the nation are facing a similar emergence of the bro culture. With so many fraternities, more and more bros are coming out of their man-caves for some sandwiches and possibly, even some action from a slampiece. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out mylifeisbro.com or brobible.com.
Although I’ve been on these websites more than a few times, my own experience with bros is fairly limited. Sure, I’ve been creeped on by some in tanks at frat parties (Side note: If you don’t have the body type to pull off a tank, please don’t) but I can’t say that I’ve spent enough time with the bro type to know everything about them.
You might be wondering then: Why the hell is this girl talking about bros if she doesn’t even know everything about them? To tell you the truth, I’m fascinated by bro life. How chill would life be if someone made me sandwiches and brought me Natties while I sat around playing Call of Duty all day?
Obviously, that isn’t really what bro life is like, but their lives do seem much more laid-back. I found some instances that were very characteristic of bro culture, at least from what I’ve seen of it.
There are certain qualities that set a bro apart such as his style. He could wear anything from dingy basketball shorts and sandals to a popped collar Lacoste shirt and Sperrys. Never fear, girls, there are many types of bros: you could find a typical frat bro or even a chill smoker bro to fit with your ideal qualities for a guy.
Worried that your ideal bro is just a dumb guy? Don’t worry; bros love to turn normal words into words that are more suited to their lifestyle. It’s not unusual for one to say, “Yo, did you have to read that broem by Edgar Allen Bro for class?” or “Dude, chillest painter ever was Vincent Van Bro, no doubt.” Clearly, they simply adjust their diction to make it compatible with bro vocabulary, or “brocabulary.”
Concerned about the lack of healthy lifestyle in a bro’s life? Stop trippin’, they may love drinking and eating sandwiches, but they also love sports and weights. Plus, if you’re the girlfriend of a bro, it’s pretty much expected to make him a sandwich, so why not make it healthier?
As far as exercise, you can often find bros checking themselves out in the mirrors at the ARC or doing some loud grunting exercise with a fellow bro right in front of the girls.
The classic bro is a lax player, but now bros have involved themselves in all types of sports from basketball to inner-tube water polo. It’s not as common to see a bro doing individual sports because it prevents him from “bronding,” with the bros on his team. Think about it, the guys who invented the “bro code” would never leave a bro behind. It’s just not chill.
Speaking of the “bro code,” these guys strongly believe that it’s not ok to get with your bro’s girl. The motto, “Bros before Hoes” is still in full effect, so girls if you decide to date a bro, his entire frat may be ahead of you in terms of importance.
Another aspect of bro life is the party scene. Expect there to be lots of icing and kegs at a typical bro party. Facebook pictures after the chill night will reveal red cups, hazy smoke and plenty of bros photobombing in the background wearing sideways CinciNatty (get it?) Reds baseball caps.
Just be aware that bros can get even louder, especially under the influence of alcohol. Girls, try not to get stuck in the kitchen, because you will most likely end up making the sandwiches.
So there you have it, readers: Bro Life in a nutshell, at least from what I have seen and experienced of it. Life is chill for them, so chill in fact that I’m jealous of some parts of it. Maybe if I fill up my wardrobe with bro tanks and tell people to make me sandwiches, I too can become a semi-bro. Fist bump?
MEDHA SRIDHAR is going to hold out her fist until you pound it. Contact her at email@example.com.
Also it seems like Josh has a real soft spot for his fellow bromosapiens. He may need to take some potassium bromide to chill out.
I can imagine every LAX bro in unison responding to this column: “SORRY I’M NOT SORRY. TAH.”
As another former columnist, I only ask, What would Ol’ Dirty Bastard do?
As a former columnist I understand how frustrating it can be to see your columns go without comment, so I’ll crack the proverbial first Natty Light on this one (because we don’t drink Natty Ice, that shit’s from the Devil).
However, as a former UC Davis Lacrosse player and the current Editor of Sweet Sweet Lax (www.sweet.laxallstars.com), a website devoted to keeping the lax-populous swaggin’ by providing THE most objectively accurate opinion-based gear information on the internet, Iâ€™m concerned with the isolation of UC Davisâ€™s Menâ€™s Lacrosse program as the most prevalent manifestation of the bro culture on campus.
Sure, they ride their bikes hard and wear their pinnies on campus. They also have less than 10 minutes to get from class (where they excel, I might add) to practice, and each one of them paid $35 for that pinnie, unlike the Womenâ€™s Lacrosse program whose pinnies you paid for with your tuition. Those cowprint pinnies are a symbol of capitalism on our campus, of the 99% paying for the betterment of their own convictions. To fail to appreciate them would make you a communist. And thatâ€™s just un-American.
Thereâ€™s also something deeply satisfying about expressing your flow-pinion (type it into The Aggieâ€™s search) through a common cultural wordplay. By simply replacing one letter with a B, two men express their sharing a common heritage dating as far back asâ€¦like 2007 or so. If women had the pragmatism to have come up with such a simple way to become best friends, theyâ€™d have started calling each other things like â€œHoe Montanaâ€ and â€œBarack Hoebamaâ€ a long time ago and stopped talking frivolous trash about girls in other sororities. Unfortunately, their brains are 2/3rds the size of manâ€™s. Thatâ€™s just science.
And who gets sandwiches just made for them!? What a ludicrous thought! Bros donâ€™t expect women to cook anything for them. Then theyâ€™d have to listen to them talk.
In reality, every guy is a bro after a few beers and the lacrosse team is no exception. However, these are players who organize an entire season of MCLA play on their own, who organize a six-figure budget without the schoolâ€™s help to do it, and who constantly outreach to the campus and to the Davis community. They are youth coaches, TAs, grad students, scholar athletes, and role models. They are what bros should aspire to be. They are what women should aspire to be with.
And youâ€™ll see every last one of them, past, present and future, this weekend in Davis for their alumni game. Weâ€™ll be the ones in the bars wearing cowprint and brushing our flow with more Aggie pride than any other group at UC Davis. Sorry bout cha.
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