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Thursday, December 2, 2021

Column: Hallow’s whore-ors

Yes, readers, it’s that time of year again. That spooky night is coming where you can see that girl in your psych class dressed up as a slutty nurse grinding with some guy dressed up in a makeshift bed-sheet toga. That’s some scary stuff. With the big weekend coming up, you might be wondering what or whom you can dress up as. If you’re at a loss for what to be for Halloween, I’ve compiled a list of relevant costume ideas below.

Remember those nights when your parents bought you that brand-new Barney costume before heading out to fill those Jack-o-lantern baskets with yummy candy? Nope? Oh, guess that was just me.

College has made all of those memories of trading Three Musketeers for Kit Kats seem like a distant memory. Hey, at least this way we no longer ingest all those calories from Sour Punch Straws and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, right?

If wearing a costume for one night can prevent me from hitting the ARC after stuffing my face-full of candy, I am so down.

Since Election Day comes about a week after Halloween, why not make your costume a little political? As a poli sci major I’m pretty biased, but the idea of carrying a pizza box and yelling “9-9-9” at random passersby sounds like a damn good Herman Cain costume.

Not sure about pulling the Herman Cain off as a girl? Never fear, there’s always the Michele Bachmann; after that infamous Newsweek cover, all you need is a pair of crazy eyes. If you’re more left-leaning like myself, you may try to pull off the classic President Obama (but beware of that guy in the John Boehner mask) or even the scandalous Anthony Weiner. If you’re feeling especially controversial, put on a Gaddafi mask or picket with “Occupy Wall Street” signs. Just don’t expect to be getting with any Libyan girls or hot financial executives that night.

Not interested in politics? (Who are you people?!) There’s always the option of going as a celebrity. Although beware: wearing a black turtleneck and holding an iPhone may be a little too soon. Wearing a hoodie and jeans may be a sufficient Mark Zuckerberg, but do some Facebook lurking of his profile before trying to pull this costume off.

Perhaps tech celebrities aren’t for you. Maybe you’re better suited to be sports personalities like Mark Cuban, holding the NBA Championship trophy for the Mavs, or Michael Vick, trying to stay on his feet after the “Dream Team” Philadelphia Eagles fell flat. If you’re in a couple, try going as a couple in sports. Many of us are over the Beckham fever, but how about Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries? Or even Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen?

If you’ve been listening to the radio recently, you could easily find a musician to dress up as. Rebecca Black is bound to be a popular costume, but try to avoid it. Ladies, guys love the Katy Perry in her “California Girls” music video, however ridiculous it is. Some guys are into big butts, and we all know that Nicki Minaj has one that cannot lie. Stuffing a pillow in the back of your pants can’t hurt, especially since it cushions any type of fall you may experience on that night.

Men, if you’re feeling particularly bromantic, find a partner and you can go as Jay-Z and Kanye West. Or you may prefer to go with a pregnant Beyoncé. Not feeling it? Never fear, Lil Wayne’s dreads will surely be a hit, more of a hit than some of the songs on Tha Carter IV (FYI: not bashing, I love Weezy).

If you’re just not feeling any of the aforementioned costumes, there’s always the typical Tom Cruise in “Risky Business” (which, I’m not ashamed to say, I did last year) or the Angry Birds group costumes that you’re planning with your frenemies, the Green Pigs.

Long gone are the days when we would wrinkle our noses at the candy haul after trick-or-treating, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still have fun dressing up on Halloween. So before you hit the parties this weekend, put some thought into your costume. You never know who might be watching.

MEDHA SRIDHAR is now imagining an evil laugh ringing out through the night. Happy Halloween! Contact her at mdsridhar@ucdavis.edu.

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