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Friday, March 1, 2024

Editorial: #OccupyMars

On Oct. 31, the United Nations announced that the world human population reached seven billion. Obviously the number is just an estimate, but since the population reached six billion only 13 years ago, there are many hard questions that need to be answered of how we can deal with such a crowded world.

Here are a few easy suggestions that should solve this difficult problem instantly:

Ignore the problem: Turning a blind eye is a method that has a long, proud history. It’s easy for us to ignore the billion additional people that have arrived on our planet since 1999. The real challenge will be when the world is so crowded that the average apartment will have 10 roommates. However, if we really put our minds to it … we can put the issue out of our minds.

Party: Speaking of crowded apartments, having more people will make for better parties. Supplying that much alcohol will be expensive, but that’s what cheap beer is for. If we get drunk enough, the problems of overpopulation will seem much smaller, at least compared with the more immediate problem of a massive hangover.

Invest in diapers: What our poor economy needs (in addition to cheap beer) is increased investment. And an increasing population makes diapers the most sensible choice. Whether you buy stock in cloth or disposable diapers, the prices will be going up. All we would need to be worried about is creating a diaper bubble, which frankly sounds disgusting anyway.

Stork hunting: Stork hunting is a good option for decreasing the number of new babies. Hunters would have to be careful not to shoot the birds already carrying babies, but all other storks are fair game! Holiday dinner tip –– roasted stork is a delicious addition to any family dinner.

Occupy Mars: Forget Wall Street and the Quad. Mars is the next step of human conquest, though it is a shame there are no known Martians that we can conquer; that might help the seven billion of us finally unite about something.


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