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Thursday, October 28, 2021

Column: Sex is statistical

It’s that time of the month.

No, not THAT time, you pervert.

Rather, that time of the month we court the “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” topic of sex. I use air quotations because I just overheard a girl yell out, in mathematical terms, an account of a certain late-night dalliance –– “subtract clothes, divide legs, add a bed and pray there’s no multiplying.”

To say that sex is even remotely taboo for Generation Y is like saying that you haven’t fantasized about French maid foreplay or a bar bathroom hookup.

Today, we are reveling in an overt form of carnal freedom that forces one to cough over explicit lyrics in a family car. While chivalry clearly rests in peace, intercourse is enjoying a renaissance the Byzantines couldn’t have kept up with.

But Warren Jeffs, polygamous sect leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter-Day Saints (FLDS), may be taking this whole “free love” movement too far.

It seems that while Jay-Z has “99 problems but a bitch ain’t one,” the opposite is true for Jeffs, with his family of 79 wives and 60 children.

Jeffs’ international debut was marked in May 2006 when he made the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List for avoiding prosecution on charges of illegal marriages between his adult male followers and underage girls. After a bureaucratic dance with state courts that lasted from August 2006 to 2011, he was accused of incest, sodomy, rape and child bride marriages. This summer, Jeffs was sentenced to life in prison plus 20 years and a $10,000 fine for sexually assaulting two 12- and 15-year-old girls.

He has recently been in the news for imposing outrageous rules on FLDS members, despite being locked up.

To be clear, this Warren guy sounds like an A-class creep. His lifestyle is his own choice, but raping your nephew since he was 5 and your niece since she was 7 is a tad too edgy for me. At the same time, when I read a USA Today headline, “Cult leader Warren Jeffs acting a lot like Jim Jones,” I promptly equated Jeffs to the American rapper, not, as the author intended, the leader of the 1978 mass suicide of 909 Peoples Temple members.

In a skewed sense, Jeffs did lead a life the media so celebrates –– flocks of women, excessive fertility and devoted fans. I don’t want to get too close to Jeffs, physically or otherwise, but aren’t most of us similarly tending towards polyamory these days?

Our little black books may not have pages full of Fundamentalist Mormon women’s phone numbers, but nevertheless we do rely on the occasional booty call. From hooking up with that dude back home or that chick across the hall, college students are unabashedly providing the powder to blow up a casual relationship culture.

Adam and Eve would be stunned by how far we’ve taken their Garden of Eden shenanigans … down the corridor to the library stacks and upwards to the Mile High Club. Even more so, generations before ours are horrified by this regression away from a single romantic endeavor.

Ever since I can remember, I have denounced monogamy.

Dating, especially at a young(er) age, is a highly depressing concept; you and your partner consciously know that breaking up is a pending task, almost like that item on your checklist you itch to mark off before you’re done.

Facebook stalking, buckets of ice cream and soggy tissues are inevitable matters of time. Yet, despite the facts, we enjoy the momentary high that is having a significant other. The alternate option is, of course, to keep a score sheet with your closest and closet freak friends by tallying up those dirty deeds!

But in all seriousness, maybe both the lovey-dovey and noncommittal types would at least agree upon psychologist Dean Simonton’s reasoning that “quality is a probabilistic function of quantity.”

It isn’t about having a better ratio of hits to misses. Rather, where the mediocre might have a handful or so experiences, the more successful have had numerous.

Whether you’re in a relationship or being a floozy, know that experience provides perspective and is, sometimes, the light necessary to shine a sexier path.

Looking for a few husbands or wives? Contact CHELSEA MEHRA at cmehra@ucdavis.edu to join the growing mailing list.

3 COMMENTS

  1. Worked my way through, we’ve all been there. It’s the middle of January, you go online to harangue a stranger for not conforming to your puritanical sexual morality and then you write the date in wrong. Totally mortifying, I know. Welcome to 2012.

    • Jordan–Okay you got me (and I laughed when I read your comment) it IS 2012, all the more reason to use cautions with STDs. I stand by my earlier comments, IF this is truly the author’s lifestyle than testing is in order and some help. Seems like a cry for help.

  2. Dear Chelsea, Your mother must be so proud. Have you ever heard of discretion–or keeping your indiscretions private? You didn’t discover sex, you twit. It’s actually been around a while. This is 2011– “Quantities” of casual sexual encounters bring HIV, HPV, Herpes, AIDS and unwanted pregnancies (please don’t bring a child into your hedonistic, messed up personal life). Take a health class! Get some counselling to find out what you’re really looking for in public restrooms, library stacks and in airplane restrooms. Sounds like sexual addiction. How about getting some help, finding some self respect and even maybe some morals? NOTE TO EDITOR: This newspaper MUST have something more worthwhile to publish! Just because a student writes self-destructive, embarrassing and sensational drivel, doesn’t mean you need to publish it.

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