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Sunday, March 3, 2024

Column: Mother of the year

There’s a rumor floating around the internet right now that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is with child and predictably, many people are responding to this magnificent news with backlash. I, on the other hand, will be thrilled if it ends up being true.

Before I launch into the long list of reasons that Snooki’s possible fertilization has me so giddy, I would first and foremost like to take this opportunity to congratulate her. Because what better way to do so than through the written word, her preferred medium of information sharing?

Not only would a confirmation of this news make her the first Jersey Shore castmate to bless the Earth with offspring, but the presence of her longtime boyfriend, Jionni LaValle, leads me to believe that she’ll even be able to pinpoint the father. I believe kudos are in order.

But let’s get back to the most important thing here: entertainment value. Can you imagine what this is going to mean for the show? Before worrying that this pregnancy runs the risk of hindering the meatball lifestyle, whose trademark activities include binge-drinking and club-hopping, we must ask ourselves one thing: since when have we known Snooks to exercise restraint?

You, like me, may recognize her preeminence in the fields of fiction and humanitarianism, but we secretly know it was her liquor-fueled antics that kick-started her career. As such, she has a certain reputation to uphold as America’s resident hot mess, and this is excellent news for a fan like me. I not only expect her visits to Karma and the tanning salon to continue long into her third trimester, I wait with bated breath and a bowl of popcorn.

In the worst case scenario, though, even if she does tone her antics down, I have no doubt that the folks behind the scenes will find a way to spin her journey through maternity into reality TV gold. Imagine, if you will, the hypothetical episode documenting the Shore girls’ trip to a Lamaze class: J-Woww loudly guiding Snooki through her deep breathing exercises as Deena drunkenly steals the other expectant mothers’ yoga balls. I’m kvelling already.

Better yet, there are so many questions concerning the inevitable two-part Labor/Delivery Special. For instance, will the housemates pregame their trip to the maternity ward with RonRon juice or shots of Hypnotiq? Should we expect Snooki’s birthing noises to sound like the pinched wails of a spider monkey or will she just say “Wah” repeatedly? Will they even bother wrapping the baby in a blanket or will they just transplant it immediately into an Ed Hardy onesie?

It’s so fun to wonder about Snooki’s future as a parent that I almost wish she would just follow in Jessica Simpson’s footsteps and be seemingly pregnant forever. But on top of just catering to my personal amusement, all the talk about her (probably bronzed) uterus is also a welcome vacation from hearing about all of the stuffy current events from around the world.

Frankly, the only thing I want to worry about occupying is my recliner every Thursday night at 10/9c. Especially with the prospect of a Baby Snickers entering the equation, I would imagine that this sentiment is already shared by approximately 124 percent of Americans.

This might all just be a ploy to feed the dwindling flames of “Jersey Shore”, but gimmick or not it has me pretty revved up. Considering the speed with which this information spread, I would assume the same is true of other consumers as well; the day this rumor really caught hold, I had three separate friends ask me at different times if I had heard the news yet. The last time anyone talked this much about a conception it was immaculate and created the suffix Anno Domini.

But I have long since digressed from my ultimate intent of addressing the haters of Snooki’s pending miracle. To members of this group, I ask the following question: how could anyone be upset about a matter that is so unifying in its publicity? And, taking a backseat to the first question, how could anyone be up in arms over something as beautiful and natural as motherhood? Either way, whether you avidly love it or hate it isn’t going to matter in the end — it’s going to be great for ratings.

DYLAN GALLAGHER is seeking applicants for the Snooki Fan Club at dylaaaaan@gmail.com, as well as applicants for the Dylan Fan Club at cleverblog.tumblr.com.

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