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Davis, California

Monday, April 22, 2024

Column: Pretty Wild

As of last week, Alexis Neiers is married. The 20-year-old onetime reality star and “Bling Ring” member got hitched in Mexico to Evan Haines, a Canadian business owner. When I found this news out, not only did my jaw drop, but also my entire weekend turned into a marathon of her reality show.

Now, if you didn’t spend March through May of 2010 watching “Pretty Wild” on E! then I highly suggest you log on to your Netflix account and watch all nine captivating 22-minute episodes right this minute.

The 20-year-old onetime E! reality star and “Bling Ring” member serves as my spirit animal of sorts and has resurfaced into my life at the most pristine time. Not only am I living as a spoiled Hollywood brat abusing drugs and robbing celebrity homes, but I, too, aspire to be a centerfold in Playboy magazine.

My reasoning for dedicating this column to this great celebutante is because I want to remind the world that this show existed. And I truly believe it was fate that I had already started re-watching the show days before the announcement of Alexis’ wedding appeared.

The video of Alexis screaming at Vanity Fair’s Nancy Jo Sales via telephone while her mother encouraged this immature and ridiculous behavior has taken yet another viral route through the internet and prompted me to reintroduce myself to their lifestyle of fame.

Another reason why this is the perfect time to talk about this Emmy-award-winning television show is that Emma Watson’s new movie Bling Ring is filming right now. As much as I glorify these upstanding women and their social lives, it even took me a while to put two and two together to realize that this movie is based on our very own Alexis Neiers.

It makes me so happy that my favorite reality television show is being brought back to life in the form of one of my favorite actresses (and I’m not being sarcastic with this one). Hopefully the fame from this show will spark a second season … or a spin-off show. Hey, since Khloe and Lamar are taking time off from their show, why not give back this time slot to this dysfunctional family?

I encourage everyone to watch this short-lived show — actually, I’m going to start a petition. I want a Season 2, goddamnit. I want to know what happened after Alexis Neiers spent a month in jail next to Lindsay Lohan for robbing Orlando Bloom’s home and proceeded to spend part of the next year in rehab.

I want to know how to meet my future husband in Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to learn how to burglarize celebrities and basically get away with it. I want my own television show where I strut around naked, crying every five minutes because the journalist said I was wearing six-inch Louboutins instead of little brown kitten heels with my tweed outfit to court!

I believe that all of us would be able to live positive, beneficial and successful lives if we were home-schooled and worked with a curriculum based on The Secret and the metaphysical concepts developed by Ernest Holmes in the early 20th century.

We all need an ex-lingerie model as a mother who manages our careers and simultaneously directs us in nude photo shoots in our home bathroom with a Canon Powershot while our 16-year-old sister controls the lighting.

I would like to conclude this column by quoting this inspirational mother of Alexis Neiers, Andrea Arlington: “And so it is.”

Did ELIZABETH ORPINA steal your Gucci handbag and Louis Vuitton sunglasses? Too bad. She’s going to cash in on your loss by starring in her new reality television show — send in your suggestions for the name of the show to arts@theaggie.org.

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