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Monday, February 26, 2024

Editorial: Ed Board Town Hall

The Aggie has been through a lot of crap this year. So much so, the outgoing editorial board felt the need to hold a Festivus-style Airing of Grievances, town hall style. Members of the public were not invited or allowed to speak, and everything said was ignored by the administration (The Aggie Editorial Board).

Editor 1: Welcome to this year’s last town hall. Let’s make it quick.
Editor 2: What are we even talking about? I have a Giants game to be at.
Editor 3: It doesn’t matter what we talk about; nothing gets done at these town halls anyway.
Editor 4: I think that Chancellor Linda P.B. Katehi would disagree.
Editor 5: Did we ever find out if Linda P.B. Katehi’s middle initials stand for peanut butter?
Editor 1: Come on, let’s stay on task. How’s our list of complaints looking today? #thingsthatpisseditor1off
Editor 3: What’s that hashtag thing? This doesn’t have something to do with Twitter, does it?
Editor 4: You’d probably know that if you ever read an Aggie column.
Editor 5: No one reads those, do they?
Editor 8: Only our most loyal readers.
Editor 2: Right. So what happened this year that’s worth complaining about?
Editor 1: Well, the police did pepper spray students on the Quad.
Editor 3: That’s what started all these town halls!
Editor 4: And all those memes. Can people stop already?
Editor 3: What’s a meme?
Editor 5: You know, that pepper spray they used wasn’t even really pepper spray. It was a completely different chemical compound!
Editor 6: I’m pretty sure pepper spray is just a food product, anyway.
Editor 2: That whole pepper spraying incident was messed up. We should write a resolution against it!
Editor 1: Are we allowed to do that in our semi-independent student-run newspaper?
Editor 3: Who knows?
Editor 2: OK, well let’s wrap this up, I have to go to the bank before I go to the game.
Editor 5: What bank?
Editor 3: I need to go buy some overpriced tea from the CoHo, so let’s finish up.
Editor 7: (Starts singing Carly Rae Jepsen)
Editor 2: You should go to the Starbucks at the Silo. We need to protect the corporate interests on our campus; they do supply good income to the University.
Editor 8: I just need sunlight.
Editor 1: This whole year has really been just one giant occupation of Lower Freeborn. WHEN WILL WE GET WINDOWS?

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