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Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Column: How Beyoncé can help you get through college

College is hard.
You will sleep through a class because your mom isn’t there to wake you up. Some asshole will steal your bike, and you’ll learn just how long it really takes to walk from the MU to Tercero. The love of your life will break your heart. Three times. In a week.
But don’t worry.

I’m here to provide you with a guide to getting through these four years, straight from the Queen’s mouth.

Queen B, that is.

In my two years here at Davis, I have discovered that a Beyoncé music video can get you through almost any shitty situation. Maybe it’s the sparkles. Maybe it’s the voice. Either way, it’s real. Beyoncé will save your life.

So pull up YouTube and get ready to change your life.

“Start Over” is pretty straightforward. You’re in a new place and you’re allowed to be whomever you want to be. This could involve a $7.99 box of hair dye from Rite Aid (word of advice: splurge for the $14.99). Maybe it means adopting a British accent for the first day of school, or dying your entire wardrobe black. Just remember that this is your chance to figure out who you really are, and it’s OK if that’s a different person than your high school self. Actually, I really hope that it’s a different person than your high school self.

And that person you choose to become? It’s all about them, as Bey points out in “Ego.” This is a time for you to focus on yourself. Be proud of who you are. Post mirror pics on Facebook.

College is all about you. A time to be completely selfish and not depend on anyone. Because they will probably just disappoint you.

But don’t think that you don’t matter in the big picture. As scary as it may seem, we are the future, and one day, we will run the world. Unfortunately, it probably won’t be just the girls, as suggested in “Run the World (Girls).” But that’s a feminist column for another time.

But seriously, we’re going to be in charge. Luckily we go to a top university, where you can find resources for ruling the world and the professors really do want to see us do well. While classes may seem like a pain in the ass, try to learn as much as you can before you get to the adult world. We’re all depending on you. I also suggest reading up on zombie apocalypse literature.

And while college may be all about you, don’t forget to give back. Go watch the music video for “I Was Here.” Then sign up to volunteer, go change someone’s life and get a meaningful job (at The Aggie!).

Probably the best advice you’ll get from Mrs. Jay-Z is that college is a “Countdown.” To finishing school. Getting a job. To having a child who’s more famous than you are. Real life. Just like Beyoncé and baby Blue Ivy.

Make the most of this awkward in-between stage when you have little responsibility and lots of opportunity. Let Beyoncé’s beautiful music remind you to do something meaningful with your time here, like writing for The Aggie.

So, Class of 2016, welcome to Davis. And don’t forget to be the best Beyoncé you can be.

HANNAH STRUMWASSER is happy to discuss the possibility of a Michelle Obama/Beyoncé Knowles 2016 presidential ticket anytime, and can be reached at managing@theaggie.org.

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