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Saturday, May 18, 2024

Column: The End is nigh

A disheveled hobo roams the streets bearing a sign with a single, solemn message: “The end is nigh.” By day, this man may look like some crummy bum that you’d be loath to give change to for fear of him using it to purchase copious amounts of crack cocaine — but when darkness falls, he dons an ever-shifting ink blot mask to simultaneously strike fear and confusion into ne’er-do-wells and rapscallions.

Yeah, it’s a scene straight from the opening pages of the comic, Watchmen, but this may very well become a reality in the approaching days as we round the bend toward the highly anticipated end of the world —  coming to theatres near you Dec. 21, 2012.

It’s a harrowing occasion for most. Couldn’t the Mayans have been a little more lenient with their predictions? At least let us ring in Christmas and the New Year before we get apocalypsed on.

And what exactly does this catastrophic event consist of? I’d like to know what I’m up against here. Is it another planet crashing into ours? Will it be a series of devastating natural disasters launching a timed, synchronized five-pronged attack on all the continents masterminded by Mother Nature herself? The rise of a bath salts-induced zombie army? Or maybe even something as humdrum as a nuclear war.

We can steel ourselves for what’s ahead. Take the precautions and necessary measures. Gird ourselves with the proper tools and knowledge to overcome our swarthy destroyer. Zombies got you down? Pick up the latest Call of Duty: Black Ops 2, strategically released to train us for the ensuing zombie war.

Are planet-like objects shooting laser beams that can disintegrate your friends and family? Don’t sweat it bro, Halo 4 was also recently released, again thanks to the sanctioned and combined efforts of Microsoft, the U.S. government and the Illuminati. Yeah, the Illuminati are on our side for this one. How else would they be able take over a world-less world?

For those of us that aren’t gamers, there are still plenty of other practical tips and tricks we could follow. Always carry pepper spray. That shit is brutal. Stay indoors 99 percent of the time, only going out to take in moderate amounts of sunlight to keep your vitamin D up. Stock up on Spam, instant ramen and Twinkies. I mention Twinkies because they will be the currency of our post-apocalyptic future. Everyone goes ham for Twinkies.

I also plan to keep a variety of eggs handy. Salmon, sturgeon, chicken, ants, etc. That way, should I survive and emerge into the post-apocalyptic wasteland, I can easily repopulate the world’s animals by hatching the eggs! In fact, I’ve already started by ordering salmon roe from a Japanese restaurant and tucking away a fistful of them in my pocket. I gingerly put them in a napkin for protection, don’t sweat it.

The one thing you shouldn’t do in the midst of these end-of-the-world shenanigans is to start panicking and defenestrating your roommates, neighbors and pets. Keep calm and eat a cupcake if you must sate your murderous urges. There’s no need to do anything hasty here.

Throwing an end-of-the-world party is always a good idea, though. People’s inhibitions will be at an all-time low because they’d figure “YOLO, Imma die anyway, might as well live the rest of my life to the maxxx.” Make peace with your enemies, make love with your crush, make a cake. Thank Drake later, should you survive the apocalypse.

I have resolute faith in humanity. We are a strong, thriving, beautiful species. After all, “God don’t like ugly,” as my dearest mother always says. We’ve survived the jungles, braved the depths of the oceans and even overcome killing each other on a myriad of instances. Even when mankind’s greatest hope, Steve Jobs, died — we clung onto the dregs of his might and raised ourselves out from the utter precipice of total collapse.

And should we all actually succumb to our unknown plight in the coming month, remnants of our people shall regale the halls of whatever succeeds us. Thousands of years from now, sentient cockroaches will unearth our buried remains and laud us for our technology, ingenuity and rich culture. Much like a candle in the wind, mankind’s glorious flame will never burn out.

I can do nothing now but sit and wait with bated breath and an eager heart for next month. Bring it on Dec. 21, 2012 … Bring. It. On. I’m in there like swimwear, son son.

ANDREW POH is looking to buy Twinkies at $50 a pop, so if you’ve got any you’d like to unload contact him at apoh@ucdavis.edu


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