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Davis, California

Tuesday, May 21, 2024

Column: A/S/L?

HotStud69 has entered the chat room.
xXPrincessAngeluvXx has entered the chat room.
HotStud69: Hey bbygurl wuts crackin? lol
xXPrincessAngeluvXx: Nothing muchhh (:
xXPrincessAngeluvXx: Just laying around in my underwear, hbu? (;
HotStud69: Mmmm just thinkin bout u babe lol
HotStud69: Tell me a lil more bby lol
xXPrincessAngeluvXx: Okayy (: Im home alone watching a scaryyy movie
xXPrincessAngeluvXx: Im a lil lonely and scareddd 2 (:
xXPrincessAngeluvXx: I wish sum1 would come and keep me companyyy ):
HotStud69: A/S/L? lol
xXPrincessAngeluvXx: 18/F/CA (:, hbu?
HotStud69: 20/M/CA lol. Cool, mebbe I can cum over and keep u company? lol
xXPrincessAngeluvXx: Okayyy, my address is ______________ (:
HotStud69: Mmm, alrite bby ill b there in 20 c u soon lol
xXPrincessAngeluvXx: I’ll b w8ing sexy (;
HotStud69 has left the chat room.

Hundreds of thousands of conversations like this traverse the expansive highway that is the World Wide Web on a day-to-day basis. The users and their interactions may not be as direct and forward as our friends HotStud69 and xXPrincessAngeluvXx, but their underlying goals are unified under one cohesive desire: raunchy, uninhibited and the best of all no-strings-attached sex.

It’s a phenomenon that has its seedy roots buried deep within the nutrient-rich loam of the dot-com era. A platform from which one can easily solicit sex anonymously was a godsend for perverts and loveless-marriage businessmen alike, among others. The pursuit of sex via the internet used to be something done furtively in one’s mother’s basement or on anonymous public computers. It was also something that only the lowlier forms of people would flock to: pedophiles, fetishists and degenerates.

Does Chris Hansen’s “To Catch a Predator” ring a bell?

But in today’s modern world, fraught with technology, this rather frowned-upon practice has branched out and oddly enough become somewhat acceptable in some veins of society.

Given that technology is now analogous to “being social” and offers a wealth of social hubs, it makes quite a lot of sense that it would give rise to a culture of people who use the internet to “seek companionship.”

eHarmony.com, christianmingle.com and blackpeoplemeet.com are but a handful of sites created in the hope bringing people together for a little bit of love and maybe even a long-term commitment.

Yes, you can filter out who you want to meet by race, religion, age, height, gender, shoe size, etc. to find your 100 percent perfect match who shares your same views on My Little Pony and happens to be born on a month where your lunar calendars align. Or at least, that’s what their profile says. And seriously, what kind of dirt bag would go out and lie on their internet dating profile, right?

The anonymity brings a certain thrill to it, or so I’ve been told by purported successful internet companion finders. And I have heard of a surprising amount of stories. There’s the guy who met a girl through Tumblr in which their romance culminated with a flight out to Missouri followed by fucking. Because honestly, when a guy forks over $500 for a plane ticket and flies out to see you, putting out is both expected and justified.

Then there’s the Craigslist ad romance in which a series of timid emails progressed into full-blown cover-your-lap-intense sex fantasies written in excruciatingly vivid detail. This one only ended in an encounter that proved to be awkward “in real life.” IRL. I mean, true enough, the person on the other end was a girl as promised, but when one is given the time to think things over and hide behind the veil of the computer screen, one will come off much more suave, charming, endearing, lovable than they actually would “in real life.”

It’ll be a strange tale when you tell your kids about how you met.

“Oh yeah, I met your father online on a dating website. He had a 97 percent match with me!”

Your parents didn’t meet online, nor did your grandparents and certainly not your great grandparents. They didn’t need to utilize the crutches of the internet to find companionship or to find someone to lie with on a cold, winter’s eve.

But hey, if it’s an option for you and you feel comfortable with doing so, then all the more power to you. I can do nothing more than sit behind my computer screen and write snarky columns for a college newspaper.

ANDREW POH is 16/F/in your thoughts, so if you’re looking for a good time holla at him, ahem, her at apoh@ucdavis.edu.


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