The other night this pretty girl threw up on my lap after her first hit off a brand-new Hello Kitty pipe.
She had taken a really long inhale, and the flame was burning the bowl the entire time, so it must’ve been unbearably hot.
At first I was surprised; not a lot of people can take so much so deeply, and I was strangely impressed. But it became obvious that she had no idea what she had just gotten herself into.
For some reason, that night we were hot-boxing my friend’s bathroom with the lights off, so except for the lighter’s flame, the entire room was as black as outer space.
A couple of us were scattered throughout the room: I was sitting on the tub, others on the sink, on the floor, anywhere solid.
The pretty girl, who was sitting on the toilet, sparked up her lighter and brought it to one end of her pipe and sucked vigorously on the other.
For a long while her head and her hands were about the only things that were visible in the room, but before she could finish her long-ass hit, her face reddened and her eyes swelled up as if someone had just put her in a choke hold. She gave a cute, piggish snort and coughed out into her pipe, coating it with drool.
It was quite a turn off, especially the part where she wasted a good bowl, but it was admittedly a decent little firework show as she spit burning pieces of weed all over the darkened room.
Someone immediately turned on the light and went to help her, but she tried to play it off as if she had not just incinerated her lungs. She leaned toward me with her eyes all teary and her nose all slimy and said “your turn,” while offering me an empty pipe.
I took it off her hands, and she burped in my face.
I moved a bit to the side to give her room to sit on the tub, but she burped again — except this time, a little bit of smoke came out and her face fell toward my stomach.
Though I didn’t want to see it, I felt my lap and my elbow get wet, so I gently redirected her and aimed her gushing mouth toward the tub.
Not surprisingly, I later found out that it had been her very first time.
She’d been acting so cocky and so playful about getting to smoke, so I guess I naturally assumed it was an everyday thing for her. If I had known she had never smoked anything in her life, I would have been a gentleman and offered to at least light her up myself so the hit would’ve been gentler and she wouldn’t have had to swallow so much dirty heat.
It all got me thinking about my first time, which, to be perfectly honest, I can’t at all remember.
I don’t remember what I was initially trying to accomplish, and I don’t remember if my first time taught me any sort of lesson, which is ironic because it also doesn’t feel like it happened that long ago.
I’m pretty confident, though, that while I might have ended up doing something stupid that night, my first time for sure did not end with me vomiting up what felt like berries and hot mud.
This pretty girl’s first time is more memorable, not only because it was difficult and a little entertaining to watch, but also because it left me with so many questions.
Why was she so eager to smoke if she had never smoked before? Most people I know smoke to relieve tension or pain, but I doubt that’s what she had in mind. Her behavior left me wondering if she was really just trying to fit in.
I don’t blame her for wanting to try it out, but I don’t believe she should have treated it as if it would be just another way to party and get fucked up.
We would have all had a much more pleasant experience if she had been more honest with herself instead of acting like she had something to prove.
The pretty girl was fine, by which I mean, she was in perfectly good health by the end of the night, but the whole ordeal taught me a good lesson about humanity and the universe … I just can’t remember it at the moment.
LEO OCAMPO knows many other ways you can keep from embarrassing or hurting yourself on your first time. Just ask him at gocampo@ucdavis.edu.
