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Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Talk to Me

By now, many of you are probably wondering when I’m going to start writing about the “really” sexy stuff. You know, the topics that will help you become a naughty sex kitten/super stud/overlord of all bedroom activities. To which I say, there can be no sex kitten (or sex anything else) without consent and protection. You can be a safe sex kitten.

But, that being said, I do think it’s time to move into some topics that make the average person fan themselves like a Southern belle in a heat wave. So today, I’ll be giving you a guide on how to talk “dirty.”

Now, I’m a big proponent of dirty talk, but that’s mostly due to the fact that I’m pro-communication during sex. Other people may be less enthusiastic on the subject, or downright embarrassed at the idea of anything resembling romance novel dialog exiting their mouths.

If this describes your mindset, hear me out. Yes, I am calling it dirty, and I know that conjures up the image of something repetitive and uninspired. But talking dirty can encompass all types of speech during sex, from sweet to sultry. And this article is all about figuring how to do it in a way that works for you.

First of all, it’s good to accept that dirty talk is probably going to sound a little silly when you first try it. Embrace that. If you get caught up in worrying how ridiculous you might sound to some faceless (and highly voyeuristic) outside observer, it will be hard to maintain confidence, and confidence is key. So forget about everything except you and your partner.

Before continuing, a word of caution: If you want to bring more sexy talk into your relationship, it’s best to check with your partner(s) to see if there are any areas you need to avoid when talking dirty.
For instance, the question of who is whose daddy may not bother some, but may really squick others out. And words such as “bitch” or “slut” may make some people uncomfortable, or trigger memories of sexual partners who were far less kind to them than you are. So it’s always a good idea to establish guidelines for dirty talk, just to make sure everyone is comfortable and happy during sex.

Mind you, such a conversation does not only have to focus on the “do nots.” If you’re stuck on what to say when talking dirty, they can help you figure out what topics and words to use. For instance, find out if your partner has any fantasies that they don’t necessarily want to act out but would love to hear described, and go from there.

Now, the main components of good sexy talk are tone and content. And, as any public speaker will tell you, it’s not what you say but how you say that often wins the crowd. So, let’s focus on tone first. Tone can be tricky, because you want to still sound natural and like yourself, yet most people can’t imagine themselves saying anything raunchier than, “oh baby.” To solve this problem, I’m going to borrow a piece of advice I usually recommend for roleplay. When you are talking dirty (or roleplaying) you are still yourself. You’re just heightening various aspects of your personality and using them to put on a show. So, let the side of you that growls, or purrs, or begs for more be your dominant voice for a while.

Once you’ve settled on a tone that fits the moment, you can move on to the content. This is where adjectives become your best friends. The more descriptive you can be, the better. Describe what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it or, conversely, what you’d like done to you. Describe your partner, how they look, how they feel in your hands and what being with them is doing to your various body parts.

Look, this isn’t English class. Lurid prose is encouraged.

If you’re still stuck, you can fall back on a classic template such as, “Oh honey, I am going to ‘verb’ your ‘direct object’ so ‘adjective’ you’re going to ‘verb.’” Or, focus on sensations and wants. What are you feeling this very moment? What do you want to happen next? Use those things as your inspiration, and I promise that you’ll find out that you have a lot more to say in bed that you thought you did.

SAM WALL is pretty sure “safe sex kitten” is next year’s Halloween costume. Email sewall@ucdavis.edu to find out why.

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