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Davis, California

Sunday, May 26, 2024

Column: Observing sports

Super Bowl Sunday … a gastronomically challenging day filled with hot wings, pizza, endless BBQ chicken, burgers, beer, beer pong, beer hockey … you get the idea. In reality, the actual game seems to take a backseat to all the fun that a group of friends can create. That should be enough of a draw for anyone even if they can’t stand watching grown men in tights tackle each other every 10 seconds.

As one of these individuals, I came up with a list of rules tailored specifically for watching sports for the non-sports fan. I’m a science person; I find the ritual of watching sports to be rather silly. Whoever wins or loses, it has literally zero effect on my life … unless a riot shuts down the freeway. I’d rather play a sport, be active, burn the calories, get fit.

So rule number one, NEVER pretend to know what is actually going on. You may be king of your friends when it comes to understanding mitosis, naming constellations and describing the reproductive organs of an orchid, but when it comes to a two-point conversion, its all Greek. Which brings me to my second rule.

Ask questions. When someone asks you questions about something you know a lot about, it’s often hard to know when to stop talking about it. Same goes for football fans. Granted, I still have no idea what a two-point conversion is, but at least the people trying to explain it to me no longer think I’m uncultured for being ignorant of the subject. The third rule is somewhat of a combination of rules one and two.

Don’t argue. If you know nothing about player stats, season injuries, pass yards or the like, don’t try to argue that Manning is a better quarterback than Roethlisberger, or vice versa, because you will just look stupid. Trust me … I know. You are better off finding another lonely non-sports fan somewhere at the party and talking about stamp collecting. This brings me to rule four.

Once you find someone who will actually take the time to peel their eyes off the screen to talk to you, don’t waste the time talking about heavy topics like your girlfriend moving to Europe, how hard your classes are or family problems. It’s better to just find an empty spot on the couch, share a knowing look with your non-sports-oriented friend, shut up and enjoy the time with your friends. Speaking of friends, rule number five.

The Super Bowl is a very emotional time for your male friends who often exude excessive levels of manliness. They may shotgun beers on the regular and talk about hunting, big-wheeled trucks and cheerleaders with fake tits, but when it comes to the fourth quarter and their team is down by just a field goal, guaranteed they will be close to tears. It will be more than half a year until the next season, and some may compare it to the season finale of “The Bachelor.” And the final rule …

Stop preaching about how stupid sports are, and just enjoy the day with your friends. Seriously, any half-decent tailgate party will have great food, great drinks, games, music and tons of friends and will be just an overall great time. Stop thinking about it so much, stuff your face with Diablo hot wings, wash it down with a good lager from the keg and have a great time.

HUDSON LOFCHIE doesn’t like watching sports, but he loves spending Super Bowl Sunday with his best friends. He can be reached at science@theaggie.org.


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