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Davis, California

Monday, September 20, 2021

Column: Picking up

Some shake

According to Urban Dictionary, “shake” is all the “small bits of bud that settle to the bottom of your broken-up stash … some dealers try to sell it by calling it ‘pre-grinded,’ but don’t fall for that bullshit. Buying shake is like buying a bag of dorrito [sic] crumbs. Wouldn’t you prefer regular dorritos [sic]?”

As particular as this definition might seem, it brings up a lot of good points, not only about what decent weed should look like, but also about things that you should be careful about when making a purchase.

Again, shake is essentially weed crumbs, and is usually full of leaves, stems and seeds, all of which add up to an ugly bowl and a lousy high.

While it isn’t completely useless, it is pretty worthless. One gram of shake should not be worth anywhere near as much as one gram of good bud.

In fact, you can usually buy an entire sandwich bag full of shake for about $20, which is how much it costs for about two grams of good weed here in this lovely part of Northern California.

If a connect ever tells you they’re selling for $10 or $20 a gram, but then they bring out some shake, they’re most likely trying to rip you off, and you should just buy the lowest amount possible and never go back. Or, if you’re comfortable confronting them, ask if they’ve got anything else, or don’t buy anything at all.

If you’re going to pay anything over $10 a gram, expect sticky, stinky nugs. Expect bud that is mostly free of leaves and that is not so dry that you can easily crumble it up with your fingers.

Some weed is purple, some is covered in golden, syrupy crystals. Some weed smells like dead skunk, others like Fruit Loops.

It’s a little difficult to describe what good weed looks like, not only because good weed comes in all sorts of shapes and colors, but also because sometimes you just can’t know for sure if it’s good weed until you smoke it.

Some connects will actually roll something up or pack a bowl so you can get a taste of what you’re buying. But you shouldn’t expect this every single time, especially if you only pick up small amounts. And if you do get offered a sample, respect their time and try not to get too stoned and melt onto their couch for hours.

If you’re still new to everything and don’t feel like getting high at some strange apartment, just kindly decline the offer and I’m sure they won’t be too heartbroken about it.

Your connect is most likely going to tell you it’s real good weed, that theirs is the best stuff around right now. They might even show it off to you under a magnifying glass or a flash light. Humor them.

They might try to impress you with some fancy, exotic names, like “Baby Panda Champagne” or “Houdini’s Morning Dump,” but don’t think too much into these. Most strains are randomly named with something that’s meant to be weird or trendy.

And while some people might disagree, you also shouldn’t care too much about whether the weed you’re buying is a Sativa or an Indica. Sativas supposedly produce a body high, while Indicas are said to produce more of a head high.

But to be honest, it’s all the same (in a good way). Weed in general is going to get you high and it’s going to be great. It’s hard to expect certain things from a high when highs are already weird and trippy to begin with.

Finally, if you ever do end up with shake, you shouldn’t be too bummed, as it can come in pretty handy sometimes. It can be boiled into a tea, or it can be used to make butter, which can be used to make edibles.

First-time smokers might actually prefer smoking shake to actual weed, since it produces a lighter, less intimidating high. Those who are trying to slow down their weed intake might also benefit from shake, since it’ll allow them to continue their smoking habit without having to ingest as much THC.

Or if you’ve got some kief saved up in your grinder, sprinkle it over your shake for a cheap, but potent, high.

If you don’t know what kief is, check out Urban Dictionary, which is where I just happened to find out that a “Leo” is someone who is “gorgeous and funny and sweet and a gentleman.”

LEO OCAMPO is very thankful for your time. Email him at gocampo@ucdavis.edu and he’ll buy you some Doritos.

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