OK, so we’re all here because of this newspaper, right? Well, I do know who’s been writing for it, and I think the entire readership (all 20 of you) have got to stop calling us hippies and freaks. It just makes it OK for the entire campus to call us hippies and freaks.
I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles, and we’d all be happy …
Well, half of the people reading this column are mad at me. And the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front of a bus.
So that’s not good.
Some might say that it’s not really required of me to write this column. I’m almost done, I swear. I just have a lot of feelings, I guess.
To all the people whose feelings got hurt by my weekly arts columns/Burn Book entries, I’m really sorry. You know, I had never been on a newspaper staff before college. And when I think about how many people want to be an editor and how many people cried over it and stuff …
I think almost everyone edited and wrote like Glen Coco this year. Look at Janelle Bitker, the outgoing editor in chief. She transitioned this paper from daily to weekly with confidence, making the necessary changes to The Aggie so it could stay afloat another year. I also heard that she does car commercials … in Japan.
And outgoing Managing Editor Hannah Strumwasser? I mean, that hairdo must have taken hours, and she looks really pretty. But on a serious note, her hair is so big, and if she cuts it off like she keeps saying she will, where will all the secrets go? I have this theory, that if you cut off all her hair she’d look like a British man.
So … why is everybody stressing over this Editor in Chief crown? I mean, it’s just plastic. I could really just … share it.
A piece for the new Managing Editor of New Media and Development, Brian Nguyen, a partial Spring Fling Queen. One time, he punched me in the face. It was awesome. A piece for outgoing Features Editor and incoming Campus Editor Adam Khan, a natural Spring Fling Queen because of his hair.
*Seriously, most people just take the Editor in Chief position and go.*
And a piece for the outgoing City Editor and incoming Managing Editor, Claire Tan. She fractured her spine, and she still looks like a rock star. Actually, she only scraped up her legs when she and Janelle Bitker got in a huge bike accident the other week.
Here are some pieces for the new editors that are joining the managing staff as well as those of you who are returning … Thank you for joining the Aggie team. Thank you for recognizing that I’m not a regular editor, I’m a cool editor.
God, Elizabeth, just wrap it up already.
All right, to everyone reading this, good luck on finals and live your summer like you’re Glen Coco. To The Aggie staff, friends and network, get ready to all share a piece of the Spring Fling crown and work to save the paper we all know and love.
*If you did not realize that I was quoting Mean Girls the entire time … 1) Shame on you. 2) Go to YouTube and watch the ending of Mean Girls 3) Rewatch Mean Girls.
If ELIZABETH ORPINA can ever help you with something — some snacks? A condom? Let her know at email@example.com. Oh, God love ya. If you don’t find something that fits your style in our paper, you can always try Sears.