As a transfer student, I only have two years at UC Davis. The filing period for graduation began a few days ago and I don’t feel ready to graduate just yet. Which is surprising — I always assumed I’d just feel “ready” to move on when the time came.
I assumed I’d be ready to take all of the skills I’ve acquired and make use of them in the real world. I figured I’d be sick of writing research papers and spending hours upon hours studying for midterms and finals in the library. I thought that senioritis would just hit me and I’d be ready to graduate.
But that doesn’t seem to be the case here. I don’t feel ready and I don’t want to leave.
I guess I feel like I’ve just started to settle in. I finally know where most of the buildings on campus are, the best places to eat downtown and I feel like I’ve just now gotten used to Davis — its wonderful quirks and secrets.
I’m getting to know all my classmates and teachers and learning how to adjust to the (insane) quarter system. I’ve settled into my job, found an internship I enjoy and love writing for The Aggie.
I’m not ready to give all that up just yet — which seems odd to me, considering how satisfactory it was to graduate from high school and community college.
I absolutely could not wait to get out of high school. Sure, I was only going to be moving on to community college, but still — I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there.
I was sick of the bell schedule. Sick of feeling like I had more important things to do than go to class. Sick of constantly working my butt off knowing that none of it would really matter.
By the beginning of my senior year of high school, I was done. Senioritis hit me and that was it. I was ready to leave and move on. I was excited to make a big change and (begin to) embark upon my college education.
And during my preliminary college education, I had senioritis within my first semester of community college.
And I spent three years there, all patiently awaiting those final weeks. I counted down the days until graduation. I gleefully sent out my announcements and said goodbye to my peers.
So why can’t I do that now?
After many hours of pondering, countless forced-grin smile-and-nod responses to “Oh you’re graduating? Isn’t that exciting?” and fleeting weeks passing me by, I’ve come to a few conclusions.
Firstly, no one in their right mind would say that they felt ready to graduate after only their sophomore year of college, so at least I know I’m not alone. It would be unnatural to want to leave at this point.
Secondly, of course my transition from high school to community college, and community college to UC Davis didn’t seem as scary as this … I had that cool “comfort zone” thing going on. I knew exactly where I was going and what I would be doing. Again, that’s not the case here. I have no idea what I’m doing (please don’t tell my parents).
Lastly, there’s a big difference between senioritis as defined by “I’m sick of” as opposed to “I’m not ready for.” Sure, leave the semantics of defining “senioritis” to the English major, but it makes sense.
I’m not sick of school. I’ve just started to settle in to UC Davis and am now planning out my career options …? It’s weird.
Though I might be apprehensive to graduate, I’m not unprepared. I’ve held a steady job since I was 16, been taking college classes for five years and have lived on my own for the past two years now. I’m prepared enough to do this, I’m just scared.
But they say that life begins outside your comfort zone and I guess it’s about time I started listening. So with this column and my application to file for graduation complete: L’Chaim! Here’s to being scared, having no idea what we’re doing, and loving every step of it!
To step into the unknown with SARAH MARSHALL, email her at smmarshall@ucdavis.edu.
