This quarter has taught me a lot about mental health, inside and outside of writing this column. One thing I learned is that other people are quite willing to share their experiences with things from depression to psychosis. Those talks were refreshing and comforting. Another thing I learned is that mental health is not an obstacle or handicap that impinges on an otherwise unimpeded life, but is only one handicap of many in a life full of obstacles. In other words, mental health is difficult to navigate because life is difficult to navigate. I think the most important thing that can be taken out of that second lesson is that there is really no us or them. We’re all caught in life.
Unfortunately, a lot of conversations I had and little theories I had on life didn’t make it into these columns. Also, while I hope that I have shared some of myself with readers, a lot of the things I dealt with I simply couldn’t figure out how to make readable. For this reason, I hope it won’t be minded that I finish this column with poetry instead of prose – in the hopes that some bit of truth or candor that I couldn’t extract into my columns can be gleaned. That being said, I have no experience in writing good poetry, so this is the other kind. While it may seem random (it is stream-of-consciousness), I hope that you can see past my lack of skill to the place I’m coming from.
Let me add, too, a BIG thank you to my editors, copy chief, and anyone else involved in publishing of this column. Also, thank you to Chris Le for sacrificing his lunch break so that I could interview him (even if I don’t find a way to use that material in the future, I appreciated our talk). Thanks to those of you who emailed me with feedback, it was all great stuff. And thank you to Carissa Adams, who convinced me (though without knowing it) to submit an entry to The Aggie Opinion column last quarter.
OK:
Tired and late
Glancing at the silhouette of fear
White as the moon, almost full too
For the first time in this year
Waited for the angels
and not angels came
Yet nor devils
left with feeling in head
As if to see a big bang
and hear a big boom
but no bullet hit
somehow dodged that doom
You’re staring at me with those silent eyes
shut wide shouting that you know
that I would go this route (save face)
you’re as clueless as unsettled snow
everything’s inside, in it’s Wright place
and thyme
Littered like the letters of a language
long forgotten in the mind
of those living
only in dreams to be recalled
that what they sweep up on their front porch is memories
and what they kick up over the graves is just dust
Why do I rhyme about these random things?
because my time, like yours, is valuable
and like everyone on this ball, within it I need my say
We go to college to learn
& we hammer in our hours
and we mistrust those that seek to bend our clock
and so, like you, trying to regulate my moods
writing about these matters of the heart
i’m losing the beat
& all my bloods in my feet
and I move toward anxiety
and away from the lost art
can’t fight this
change this
Push, pull, or rearrange this
Like looking toward the memories of stars
yet only in the direction of blank spaces
scholars roll
with the beatings of knowledge
In the body, wrecked through the days & nights
and in the thoughts that turn minds to puddy
(ours) in their hands
Yet we stand on the shoulders of these goliaths (who enslave us)
& issue our commands
David, dreaming it’s his birthday,
blows out the northern star on his Milky Way (flavored cake)
Now there’s nothing but a
Blown out blank space
a shadow left to play in
you me and everyone we know
Look toward experience the best teacher
With my mind as the sky,
& experience the weather,
I sit and meditate
Finding my resiliency
guiding my intention & awareness
Reducing my mental pneumonia to a common cold
Find the boredom in this data
& the beauty in this boredom
& help us to look out for one another here
On this earth that dreams of stardom
Thank You
PAUL BEREZOVSKY would like to hear your thoughts at pbberezovsky@ucdavis.edu.
Graphic by CA Aggie Graphic Design Team.
Photo by CA Aggie Photo Team.
