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Sunday, March 3, 2024

The six people you saw on Halloween


For many people, Halloween is a great opportunity show of their creative side. Whether they want to scare or amuse, some folks just love the thrill of having an original costume. The following people are not those folks. Here’s a list of people you most likely saw this Halloween (and will see every Halloween after).

The Healthy Parents

Lit only by the flicker of toddler-carved jack-o’-lanterns and LED candles, these creatures come out once a year to lure trick-or-treaters into their lairs with promise of sugary sweets only to offer them poisonous goods such as mini raisin boxes, bags of carrot sticks and dollar-store toothbrushes. These ghoulish monsters, who are often known to moonlight as your local dentists or neighborhood PTA moms, are known to scare even the oldest kids away with their judgmental eyes and Whole Foods aesthetic. For those going as giant M&Ms or slabs of saturated meats, beware when entering these premises there is a grave chance of being lectured to the point of death.

The person who wears the “This is my Halloween costume” shirt

News flash: this is not a Halloween costume. Although you are trying to pull off the laidback and chill “I’m too cool for Halloween” vibe, let’s face it your half-assed attempt at a costume is failing miserably. First, you put enough effort into your outfit to find that shirt. Second, you actually spent money on it when you could have simply gone into your closet, pulled on a flannel and called yourself a cowboy. Yes, dressing up as a cowboy would have earned you more respect than that shirt.


This Halloween, you’re guaranteed to run into Tim. You haven’t seen Tim since high school. He was only a casual acquaintance back then, but you still have fond memories of working on group projects, and sometimes saying hello in the hallways.

But here he is, standing with a group of friends on the corner of Russell and Anderson. Dressed as a nerd: thick rimmed glasses, plaid shirt tucked into khakis. It’s funny because Tim is actually pretty athletic, which is the exact opposite of nerdy! Haha! Classic Tim! God, it’s great to see him.

“Tim!” you yell.

He’s just as surprised to see you. “Oh,” he says.

You talk. He thought you transferred to Sonoma State a year ago.

“Nope,” you yell. “Still here!”

You find out he’s majoring in sociology. Typical Tim. Sociology is a great fit for him. You tell him you were thinking about majoring in English, but chose economics instead. Better job prospects.

You don’t realize that this whole conversation is horrible.

Tim shakes your hand, and you both agree to hang out more often, not just on Halloween.

You never see Tim again.


The cat

Probably one of the most common go-to costumes for any young-adult-aged girl, “the cat” comes in all different exciting variations. There’s the promiscuous cat costume that can be easily found at any Party City, there’s the half-assed cat complete with Sharpie-drawn whiskers and that cat-ears headband from Dollar Tree, or you could go more original and look at your local Target for cat onesies they might have in stock. It was probably no surprise that you saw various litters of black kittens running around in the dark — they aren’t escapees from your local pound, just a posse of unoriginal teenage girls.

The cute couple who absolutely nails their couple costume, reminding you of how utterly alone and single you are

You know the type. They come to every party dressed up in some new, adorable outfit: Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head, Mario and Princess Peach, Minnie and Mickey. You want to hate them but you can’t because they’re just that in love with each other and if you hate them, you might as well give up on love. Oh well, at least the night isn’t a total bust. You still have those Reese’s peanut butter cups that you stole from your kid brother’s trick-or-treating haul. You need it more than him, anyway.

The hastily made, last-last-last minute costume

Every time your friends ask you about your costume, you laugh. No, better yet, you scoff. Yes, you scoff at them because they should very well know that you have better things to do with your evening, like sit in your little pool of misery and pretend that you, as a young adult, are too mature to have fun. Practice doing your taxes. Clip your toenails. Stare at a wall. Because that is what mature adults do on Halloween.

The day of, you realize that you messed up. Big time. Your entire social status for the rest of the year is irrevocably determined by your witty costume that you wear to the Halloween party you’re being dragged to. You have 15 minutes. What do you do? Depending on the resources you have available, you throw together something ambiguous, something edgy. Good thing you’re so handy and creative. People are really going to get this costume. Roll up some gym shorts, put on a headband and grab a ping-pong paddle, because you are now a ping-pong professional. Or borrow your roommate’s stethoscope and lab coat; be a doctor. If that doesn’t work, no problem. No problem at all. You can, uh…you can grab a, um, grab your bedsheet and cut two holes. The common ghost. Yes. People will love this.

People don’t. No, they just look at you with pity in their eyes, and you think that maybe next year you’ll come up with a proper costume. But you probably won’t. Happy Halloween.


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