Humor: Tips for visiting your professor in office hours

Never been to office hours before? Are you a little freaked out by the idea that your professor thinks of you as another sleepy face in a sea of people who are probably doing a lot cooler things than you? Here are 10 tips to make sure that not only are you seen, but really remembered.

1. Google your professor before going in to meet them. Truly stalk them. Find their Facebook. The Twitter page they ran for one minute because they thought they had a sense of humor. Heck, even add them on LinkedIn! Memorize facts about them. Go through their Facebook likes and make sure to note that they also liked the “Toast is Just Crunchy Bread” page in 2009. This will come in handy later.
2. Make them a sardine sandwich. You’ve probably heard that most people don’t like sardines, but this is a lie. Everyone loves them and they will too. Make sure to put spicy mustard on it and cut off the crust. This will remind them of their mother, who they hopefully like.
3. Dress for success. Does the Batman footed pajama set you bought at Target for Black Friday make you feel successful? Wear it.
4. There is such a thing as being too prepared, so don’t bother doing the reading before hand. That’s what the professor is for.
5. You’re standing outside the door to their office when you realize you have coffee breath. Relax. It’s okay. They probably drink coffee, and you definitely drink coffee, so look at that, you’re bonding! Breathe it in their face to make sure they know you’re a coffee fan as well.
6. If they are with another student when you get to their office, interrupt them both by loudly saying “Hi! [insert your name] is here!” This will assert your dominance, showing them that you take their time seriously. And speaking in the third person has never made anyone look stupid before, so you’ll get instant smart points.
7. Okay, now you’re in their office. Offer your hand for a handshake, but before their hand touches your own, pull back and slide your hand over your hair saying “Too slow, Professor Joe.” Hopefully your professor’s name is Joe. Otherwise this might not be as effective.
8. At this point they’re probably wondering why you’re there. Ask them about your grades. If you got a B, ask them for an A. They might disagree at first but this is where you bring out the sardine sandwich. Bribe them with it.
9. Ask them for an extra credit assignment. Assure them you won’t actually do it, but ask anyway.
10. As you leave their office, lick your index finger and raise it in the air as if you’re checking which way the wind is blowing. Then say, “success is this way,” as you point to the door and exit.

You can reach ALEX GUZMAN at almguzman@ucdavis.edu.