On July 11, 2015, notorious drug trafficker Joaquín Guzmán, also known as “El Chapo,” or “The Shorty,” escaped from a maximum security prison in Mexico. Following his arrest last week, authorities discovered this schedule, obtained by The California Aggie, detailing his daily activities since the escape.
5 a.m.: El Chapo awakens in a cold sweat. Tears are in his eyes. He has been dreaming of The Tunnel again.
6 a.m.: Unable to return to sleep, he prepares his breakfast. When you are the most wanted drug dealer in the world, this is not so simple. For example, to buy his morning produce, he has to build a tunnel that ends directly under the egg aisle.
7 a.m.: Time for a shower. El Chapo laments knowing that no matter how nice of a shower it is, it will never be his favorite shower.
8 a.m.: Time to hit the road. While on the run, El Chapo sees a bridge and gets inspiration for his next, even more daring prison escape.
9 a.m.: Work. El Chapo opens a rehab center for cattle and sheep with heroin addictions in hopes that it will attract a 15-minute “VICE” segment.
11 a.m.: Uh-oh. El Chapo realizes he left a personal effect in his prison cell. He makes a quick detour to retrieve it.
Noon: Lunchtime. Despite being on the lam, El Chapo likes dining at fine restaurants, and, by taking certain safety precautions like taking fellow diners’ cell phones, is able to do so on a regular basis. For the reason of taking their cell phones, El Chapo is one of the most despised criminals among bored women trying to get out of their dates.
2 p.m.: Work. It’s hard to run an international drug syndicate while running from the authorities. El Chapo does it by using MailChimp. MailChimp: Send Better Email.
3 p.m.: A pleasant mid-afternoon of people watching and napping at The Zócalo, Mexico City’s main square.
4 p.m.: Long-term planning. El Chapo doesn’t always want to be on the run. He needs to settle down some place safe and off the map. Some place where even the residents generally agree they’re in the middle of nowhere. UC Davis.
5 p.m.: El Chapo leaves the office for his home in the suburbs. He sits in his driveway for five minutes before forcing himself out of the car. Just another nine-to-five day in this ruined life. This hell is not what he envisioned when he graduated from Rutgers.
6:30 p.m.: Dinnertime. El Chapo is also known for always picking up the entire tab for a restaurant he takes over. Patrons are frequently upset that he doesn’t let them take care of the check for a change. It’s just rude.
8 p.m.: “Girls.” El Chapo doesn’t think Hannah could have gotten into Iowa in real life.
9 p.m.: El Chapo wonders if anything can be done to prevent Luis Guzmán from playing him in “Short but Big: The El Chapo Story.” He doesn’t want the drivel that’s been coming out of Hollywood’s big studios. He wants art. Subtlety. Sean Penn.
10 p.m.: El Chapo returns to his bed to go to sleep. As part of his pre-sleep ritual, and to ensure his safety, a member of the Federal Police tucks him in.
2:41 a.m.: Maybe El Chapo didn’t need to build a tunnel and crawl through it to escape. Maybe the answer was inside him all along.
Written by: Eli Flesch – email@example.com