Remember me? That sweet little ball of citrus you carelessly threw in your backpack three weeks ago? I know, I know, I know. You’re all like, “How did you type this letter? Do tangerines really have consciousness? Oh God!”’ With my MacBook Pro. Duh. And no, I’m not God — I’m a tangerine.
First off, it reeks in here. Which is really saying something considering half of my once beautiful body is moldy. I think it’s Mr. Cheese Stick. You tossed him in here last week and I don’t think he’s doing so hot. Consider throwing a sachet in here or something, seriously, it’s bad.
Second, it’s filthy! Have you ever cleaned out your backpack? I’ve been staring at a Starbucks receipt from last December (nice choice of drink by the way; I also enjoy gingerbread lattes) every miserable day I’ve lived in this hellhole.
At night it gets cold. I’ve been using gum wrappers and used tissues as blankets. Do you realize how pathetic that is? As a young blossom I was handsome and respected. And this was my time to shine! Orange is finally the new black! That’s revolutionary! Also if you’re wondering, I’m team Crazy Eyes. Piper makes me want to gag with all that whining. Back to the point — now I’m resigned to live out my days covered in fuzzy mold and a mysterious crumb I’ve yet to identify. Get me out of here!
But first I have several questions for you: what’s a Yeezy? Who is this Donald Duck guy that’s running for president? And what’s all this hype over Making a Murderer? Why are you trying to make murderers? Humans, I swear! I feel so detached from reality; And please, for the love of orange juice, stop singing that ridiculous new Adele song. If anyone should be singing “Hello from the other side,” it’s me!
I’m writing you to request that you let me out. You don’t have to eat me; even I think I’d taste horrible at this point. So please, lay me to rest in a compost pile and let the worms have me. If I had arms I would wave a little white flag.
The best tangerine you never had.
P.S. Does Ross end up with Rachel? I never got to finish Friends.
You can reach ALEX GUZMÁN at email@example.com.