Yes, you read that correctly. After 48 years of selling burnt lattes and giant cinnamon rolls, the ASUCD Coffee House (CoHo) wants to give back to the student community by giving students free water.
“We’re really excited to be doing this,” said Noah Jenkins, a CoHo representative. “We thought long and hard about what menu item we should give out for free, and water was the cheapest, so that’s why we’re doing it.”
Jenkins wants the CoHo’s 48th to have record sales, so they’ve hired a team of ex-CoHo employees to tape off all the water fountains in the school and put labels on them that say: “contaminated with E. coli.” This will ensure that all students with a hankering for water will come straight to the CoHo, and hopefully buy a cup of coffee to wash down their water.
“No, there’s no actual E. coli,” one ex-CoHo employee said. “We just thought it was kind of funny.”
The celebration is set for Feb. 14, and while the campus isn’t usually busy on a Sunday, Valentine’s Day is notorious for bringing out people’s thirstiness.
Herbology major Sierra Lewis had some strong thoughts about the CoHo’s plan.
“I think it sounds hella dope. Free water is a comment on society, you know?” Lewis said. “Like of course water is free, but also, is it? You know what I’m saying?”
We don’t really know what this student is saying, but it was also 4:20 p.m. at the time of her interview. But we’re still fairly positive she’s into the idea.
Chancellor Linda Katehi supports the CoHo’s ingenious marketing move.
“I think it’s a fantastic idea!” Katehi said in a statement sent by her office. “What is it the kids are always going on about? Calling each other thirsty? Maybe this will help!”
The CoHo certainly thinks it will.
You can reach ALEX GUZMÁN at firstname.lastname@example.org and on twitter @cactasss.