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Davis, California

Monday, March 4, 2024

Humor: Davis local recieves terminal diagnosis via Sweethearts


A not so sweet surprise

Davis local Bob Wiley went in for a scheduled check-up at his doctor’s office on Valentine’s Day and left with news that he would soon die of the bubonic plague. But it was the particular way he received this news that attracted our attention.

The check-up was normal: the doctor examined Wiley’s ears for spider colonies and took a urine sample that he would later drink as an after supper spritzer. But then the unusual occurred — the doctor handed Wiley a box of Sweethearts. Wiley recalls being bewildered at the offer.

“[The doctor] said ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ to me and told me to open it, so I did,” Wiley said. “I love those little conversation hearts. Although, they’re always a little stale, don’t you think?”

The doctor had customized the Sweethearts with Wiley’s diagnosis from a fecal sample Wiley’s wife sent in January. Each of the hearts read: “U have 3 months 2 live. Sry.”

“I’m like, pretty upset I’m going to die,” Wiley said, “It was so hard to read. The font was so tiny. I wasn’t sure it was real. Three months is so soon! Ah! Dangnabbit — I have tickets to a Nickelback concert in July!”

We reached out to the doctor’s office for a comment and to see if he had any Sweethearts left because we were a little hungry, but they had given their last box to Wiley. Damn you, Bob.

“It’s Valentine’s Day, you know?” Dr. Grim said. “People are always sooo upset to hear they’re going to die. I just wanted to make it a little sweeter.”

Wiley won’t be making it to that concert as he’ll be dead. We hope you enjoyed those Sweethearts. Happy Valentine’s Day, Bob. We h8 u.

You can reach ALEX GUZMÁN at almguzman@ucdavis.edu and on Twitter @cactasss.


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