The death of Justice Antonin Scalia has left a gaping hole in the Supreme Court bench. Obama has been working tirelessly to come up with a list of replacements for when the Senate is back in session and can vote on a nominee. Here are the President’s top choices:
- Vanessa Hudgens
After her performance as Rizzo in Grease: Live! on Fox, who wouldn’t want her to be a Supreme Court Justice? I know what you’re thinking: is she even relevant? ARE YOU JOKING? The woman was half of Zanessa and stole all of our hearts in 2006 when she played Gabriella Montez in High School Musical. So there’s no doubt she’ll also steal America’s heart as the newest judge on the bench. It’s true, her Coachella outfits have been a little insensitive (cultural appropriation much?) but as upholder of the Constitution, I’m sure her outfits will be tamer going forward. And yeah, as justice, she’ll still be rocking out at music festivals.
- An ear of corn
As William Shakespeare once wrote in Julius Caesar, “Lend me your ears [of corn].” And if Bill needs it, so does the United States of America. The only issue with this possible replacement would be a hungry Justice — we’re looking at you, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Much dog. Very justice. Wow.
- The guy who sings the opening Zulu vocals in the Circle of Life
His name is Lebo M, and you probably best know him by the popular line: “Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba Sithi uhm ingonyama” from Disney’s The Lion King. And you have undoubtedly subjected a cat to this song as you lifted them in the air, as if they were Simba, and sang at the top of your lungs. Why should you want Lebo? He promised to sing me to bed every night if Obama nominates him as justice. Please Obama, I need this.
- A severed hand
It’s a literal hand of justice. Need I say more?
You can reach ALEX GUZMÁN at email@example.com and on Twitter @cactasss.