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Sunday, September 19, 2021

Humor: Tour group stands idly by as tour guide walks backwards off flat Earth

BARK / FLICKR
BARK / FLICKR

UC Davis mourns the loss of one of its students while learning about the true shape of the planet

On Decision Day earlier this month, a group of prospective Ags were walking through the Arboretum on what they thought would be a normal day, when tragedy struck.

“I’ll be walking backwards, so let me know if I’m going to run into anything,” fourth-year geology major and campus tour guide Rosie Schwarz told a group of high school seniors. And run into something she did. As she was explaining some strongly-worded protest chalkings to the curious crowd, everything that Rosie had learned about the Earth in her geology classes was disproven. What she thought was just the edge of the Arboretum was actually the point at which the flat Earth fell into the vast, dark depths of outer space.

In the same style as good ol’ Sandra Bullock in Gravity, Rosie began spinning uncontrollably and flying toward the sun with no end in sight. Rest in peace.

The crowd that Rosie had been leading watched on in horror. Now how were they going to get a tour of the campus?

“It’s really disappointing that tour guides here feel the need to fall off of the planet instead of telling me about all the different types of bland foods served at the CoHo,” prospective Aggie dad Richard Thomas said.

The geology department put out a heart-wrenching statement in which they mourned the loss of Schwarz, one of only five students who had declared a geology major.

“She wasn’t even interested in it for the dinosaurs,” department officials said. “She really had a passion for plate tectonics. She wanted to save lives.”

An important lesson can be learned from this tragic event that occurred on our own campus. We need to listen to more crazed “celebrities” when they tweet about the state of our planet. Like when B.o.B. tweeted, “A lot of people are turned off by the phrase ‘flat earth’…but there’s no way u can see all the evidence and not know…grow up.” It’s time we prioritize B-list celebrities over these “scientists” who are obviously just government sheep designed to conceal the truth of #FlatEarth.

Follow @FlatEarthToday on Twitter for more truth.

 

You can reach BRIAN LANDRY at bjlandry@ucdavis.edu.

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