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Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Humor: Hillary Clinton to take Picnic Day Jell-O shots in attempt to relate to Davis community

BRIAN LANDRY / AGGIE
BRIAN LANDRY / AGGIE

The former secretary of state will just be chillin’ at the 102nd installation of Davis’ hallmark event

Hillary Clinton will come to UC Davis for this Saturday’s Picnic Day in an effort to increase Millennial approval for her candidacy for the democratic nominee and President of the United States. But she’s not just interested in the parade — Clinton will be making a trip down good ole Russell Blvd to enjoy the finer things Picnic Day has to offer: blue and gold Jell-O shots and tepid beer.

As soon as Hillary’s PR team heard UC Davis would have its own Snapchat story for this annual event, they jumped at the chance to have her appear to be relevant. Can’t you just picture her saying, “I’m just chillin, in Davis, California,” on her Snapchat as her pointy fingernails aggressively tap the iPhone screen?

Imagine Clinton chugging from a beer bong as frat boys yell in her ear, the whole ordeal recorded in a 10-second clip for all Snapchat’s users to see. Precious. But we’re not interested in beer bong. What we really want to see is Clinton go to town on those blue and gold Jell-O shots — a Picnic Day tradition. Will she fit it all in her mouth at the same time? Does she run her finger around the rim before swallowing it whole? Or will one of the local frats have to bust out their least crusty tupperware for her to eat off?

Sally Marvin, Hillary Clinton’s assistant, had this to say about Chillary’s historic visit:

“This is a really big deal to her. We’ve been doing research on what outfit will make her look most approachable and “down-to-Earth” for months. We finally settled on linen trousers from Banana Republic and a crochet bralette from Nasty Gal,” Marvin said.

Some things for Hillary to keep in mind on Saturday:

When a frat boy invites you into his room for “the good stuff” he doesn’t just want to watch you do a handle pull of his Kirkland brand vodka. Watch out. And be careful of the jungle juice — it may taste like Kool-Aid, but it’s dangerous.

And Hills should finally remember that what goes on social media stays there forever: you can’t just hide it away in an email.

Hillary will be live tweeting this entire experience, you can follow the hashtag #TheOnlyBurnIFeelIsTequila for updates.

You can reach ALEX GUZMÁN at almguzman@ucdavis.edu and on Twitter @cactasss, or find her on Saturday shouting “Seven, Seven, Seven!” as Hillary slaps the wine bag.

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