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Davis, California

Thursday, February 29, 2024

Humor: Leftover budget to be spent on iPod shuffles for every student


So 2000s. What’s next? Lizzie McGuire and Pablo getting back together?

Remember the thrill of your first iPod? You had HitClips, but 45 seconds of your favorite song wasn’t enough! You wanted the shiny, new iPod shuffle. S/o to mom for getting you the magic white stick that inspired you to download Limewire, probably infecting the family PC with many a virus (and, if you were unfortunate, a call from the FBI), but ultimately led to your love for music. But what if you could experience this joy again?

You’re in luck, buckaroo! UC Davis has soooo much extra cash lying around from this year that they’ve decided to gift every student with an iPod shuffle! Yippee! But some students think the cash could be better spent on updating campus buildings or hiring a functional, non-corrupt chancellor.

“What the actual hell? iPod shuffles? Are you f***ing kidding me? And what do you mean extra cash? Then shouldn’t I be paying less tuition?” said Tina Wexler, a third-year international relations major.

Oh Tina. For tax reasons or something, that’s just not possible. It’s iPod shuffles or they’ll have to hire a team of infernologists to burn all the extra cash. HELLO, TINA, WE’RE NOT TRYING TO POLLUTE THE AIR???

Besides Tina, everyone else seems to have gotten with the program.

“Of course I want an iPod shuffle. It’s like, do I need to be able to see a screen to tell me what song comes on next? Absolutely not. I love when it goes from a soothing melody to heavy metal without any warning — it makes for some interesting naps. And the design is just so sleek! It’s a fantastic invention,” said Steve Jobs (don’t ask).

I know as soon as I get my shuffle it’s going straight into the drawer where I keep all my broken headphones. Yes, technically it’s called a ‘junk drawer,’ but I don’t want to insult my broken Apple products like that.

Lizzie McGuire would be happy to have an iPod Shuffle, and you should be too! Just be grateful the extra budget isn’t going towards paying professors and TAs a liveable wage (ew!).

ALEX GUZMÁN wrote this article by releasing a single ant onto her keyboard and letting him type. So if you hate it, blame him. You can reach her at almguzman@ucdavis.edu and on Twitter @cactasss.


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