Growing number of small Scriptures causes problems on the UC Davis campus
It’s long been a rumor that the number of bikes in Davis is greater than the number of people. I’m not sure whether or not this is true, but I do know the chemical formula for photosynthesis.
But it’s not the number of bikes that’s making headlines this week; it’s the sheer number of mini Bibles that are now popping up around town. The new rumor going around is that the number of mini Bibles in the City of Davis exceeds the number of people and bikes combined.
It might seem like this isn’t much of a problem for the average student. After all, how could some tiny versions of the New Testament possibly affect anyone? I’m glad you asked.
“I was running a little late to class the other day and had to bike really fast to get there, so I was all sweaty,” said Mimi Gross, a third-year religious studies major and distant blood relative of Food Network star Guy Fieri. “So I finally got to class and thought that I had spotted the only open seat in the entire lecture hall. But in reality, the seat was not open. It was instead occupied by a mini Bible that stared back at me and laughed as I was forced to leave lecture due to lack of seating. I was bullied that day.”
Gross is not alone. The Aggie talked to several students who had similarly bone-chilling stories. One of these students was Thomas Mulligan, a second-year physics major and succulent enthusiast.
“There I was, just riding my bike to class, when a mini Bible came along and shoved me off of my bike and watched me skid across the pavement,” Mulligan tearfully recalled. “I feared for my safety that day. The vengeful look in the Bible’s eyes was a lot to handle. I told the campus police but they just looked at me like I was crazy. ‘Miniature books can’t shove people off bikes’ they told me. ‘Only regular sized books can do that.’”
It’s probably safe to say that the mini Bibles are damaging the Davis community. Despite the fact that they have been committing violent acts against students, they’re also causing a lot of congestion issues on campus. Mini Bibles clog bike paths, hog tables at the CoHo and talk up a storm in the library while the rest of us are trying to study.
We need to put an end to these random people on our campus handing out these “inanimate objects” that are clearly causing real damage to student life at Davis. Please. Before it’s too late. Things are really getting out of control. A gang of mini Bibles stole my car today and I don’t even have a car.
Written by: Brian Landry — firstname.lastname@example.org