February is not the greatest month. It’s the heart of winter quarter, you’ve failed a few midterms by now, and if you’re like me, you probably can’t afford to turn on the heat in your apartment, so you can see your breath when you exhale too deeply. It’s the way of the life for most college students trying to survive February in Davis. But in the midst of all the winter’s horrors, it’s easy to forget the one redeeming quality: the Super Bowl.
Super Bowl Sunday affords us all one day of devotion to the couch, quality football and multi-million dollar commercials, which combined somehow make up for an entire month of rain and heartache. And luckily for you, that one day is this Sunday. The wait is finally over. And for a city with five professional sports teams that have only won a single combined championship in 168 total seasons of competition, the wait is finally over for them as well. The Atlanta Falcons will uphend the New England Patriots, 34-27.
Let me start by addressing the elephant in the room. Michael Wexler is one column over doing his best to convince you that the opposite will happen on Sunday. I have not read his article prior to publication, but undoubtedly it consists primarily of obscure statistics and sarcastic comments questioning my credibility after predicting the last Super Bowl and World Series incorrectly. Like most people over the age of 20, there are things in my past for which I am not proud. Predicting the Panthers to win the Super Bowl last season was a mistake. But my past failures have only motivated me further to deliver for you this season. Nevertheless, I can understand your hesitation in blindly following someone who has previously wronged you, so I prepared five reasons to convince you why the Falcons will win Super Bowl 51:
- Tom Brady vs. Matt Ryan
This Super Bowl marks the first time since 1984 (when Marino faced Montana), that the league’s two highest rated passers square off on the big stage. Like most Americans, I have a lot respect for Brady. He’s a Bay Area guy, lived out the underdog story, and at age 39 is still one of the best quarterbacks on the planet. Unfortunately for Tom, however, the fifth Super Bowl ring is going to have to wait. He will not be able to keep pace with Matt Ryan and the Atlanta offense (henceforth HOTlanta). Matt Ryan is the orchestrator of the seventh highest point scoring offense in NFL history, and the points will come in boat loads on Sunday.
- Julio Jones, Atlanta Falcons wide receiver
The Alabama product is a God among men and will single handedly carry HOTlanta and the Lombardi Trophy.
- Gisele Bündchen vs Sarah Marshall
Like I mentioned above, Matt Ryan outperformed Tom Brady on the field this season. But what many people fail to recognize is that Ryan also outperformed Brady in choice of signficant other. Yes, Gisele is one of the highest paid supermodels in the world, but her acting job in The Devil Wears Prada was subpar at best. Meanwhile, Ryan chose to settle down with Boston College point guard Sarah Marshall. Along with finishing second all-time in assists during her college years, Marshall consistently made the dean’s list and now works for the WNBA franchise the Atlanta Dream.
- The NFL is fixed and Goodell won’t let it happen
It’s no secret that NFL commissioner/overlord Roger Goodell is anti-Brady and anti-Patriots. In the post-Deflategate world we live in, the Patriots are no longer golden child of the NFL. Brady spent the first four games of the season watching from the sidelines while serving his suspension from Czar Goodell. With his pride on the line, Goodell will rally Las Vegas to throw all its gambling support to the Falcons, delivering the final blow in the Deflategate saga.
- Fate Exists.
A Madden 17 simulation predicted HOTlanta would win the Super Bowl over five months ago. Typically, I am hesitant to trust John Madden after he got me and half a dozen of my teammates sick when I met him after a high school football game. But the past is the past. And the virtual video game version of Madden is much more reliable than the actual person himself. Trust Madden, trust me, and most importantly do not trust Wexler; the Falcons will win Super Bowl 51.
Written by: George McConnell — firstname.lastname@example.org