Student Daniel Fallon is just the man ladies are looking for
Every so often, God takes just a little more time on one person than the others. In the year 1996, this person was Daniel Fallon. When it comes to having a unique personality, Fallon runs circles around the average Joe. His favorite movie is “The Dark Knight,” an indie film that you’ve probably never heard of, and his favorite food is pizza, an Italian dish that has yet to make its way to the states. The point is this: we can expect magic from Daniel Fallon.
However, not even Fallon could have predicted the amount of fame that would come to him when he downloaded Tinder. He couldn’t decide on a bio at first, but then he found it — the most unique one possible.
“I really went with my gut,” Fallon said. “My bio reads: ‘Chill guy who likes Netflix and hiking. Not looking for anything serious.’ I thought it was pretty wild because pretty much no one likes Netflix. It’s kind of controversial. I thought it might even lead to a backlash.”
But oh, how wrong Fallon was! Women flocked to his profile in awe of his utter superiority to the average human male. Accompanying this genius bio was a photo of Fallon, not smiling (an artistic choice to represent the economy), in front of a nature-centric backdrop of trees, rocks and other outdoors stuff like, I don’t know, bears.
“The minute I saw the picture of him hiking combined with the bio that said he likes hiking, I knew I was dealing with someone special,” eligible suitor Hannah Jones said. “It’s like, how is he not married or something?”
Fallon sadly had to delete the app after a hailstorm of notifications made his phone freeze. Just like Icarus, this man flew too close to the sun. All of the women who swiped right on him held a funeral for his profile.
“It’s just so tragic,” one sobbing member of the congregation said. “We finally find the perfect man, someone with a pulse and decent grammar who knows what a hill is, and he’s gone… just like that.”
Daniel Fallon is now working out a brand deal with Dos Equis to replace their current “Most Interesting Man in the World.” He met with me one last time before he flew to the City of Angels to make it big. Letting out a single chuckle, he looked back fondly on his Tinder career.
“It’s actually funny,” he said. “I don’t even like hiking, I just thought it was sketch to not have a bio. Bon voyage!”
Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu
