Humor: Bike forgets where it parked its student

VENOOS MOSHAYEDI / AGGIE

Students face perilous conditions when left out in rain

Students at UC Davis are constantly forgetting where they parked their bikes. It’s a tale as old as time. But a recent event has turned the tide on this familiar narrative.

According to a police report recently obtained by The California Aggie, a bike called 9-1-1 saying that it could not remember where it had parked its student. This is obviously strange, considering bikes don’t usually forget important things like that.  

The Aggie got in touch with the forgetful bike to try and get more on the story.

“It’s embarrassing, I know,” said the bike, a third-year mechanical engineering major and 2020 Olympic pole-vaulting hopeful. “I got out of my last class and was walking back to my student when I realized that I had no recollection at all about where I had parked it. I could have sworn it was by the CoHo. But I don’t know — it could honestly be anywhere. First I lost my son, and now this. It’s been days now and I still haven’t had any luck finding it. Poor thing. Hopefully it hasn’t gotten all rusty in the rain.”

A few days later, the bike finally found its student in the sea of parking spots near the Activities and Recreation Center (ARC). The student expressed relief at finally being located.

“I was really glad to finally be found after days of watching my owner go into the ARC to work out and not realizing that I was parked right outside,” said the student. “But by the time my bike finally found me, some of my parts had been stolen. Someone just went ahead and screwed off my left arm and took it to do who knows what. It was honestly horrifying. I’m just lucky that nobody tried to take my ears. What else would my bike grab onto to steer while he’s riding me?”

Members of the Davis community weighed in on the situation after reports of the incident started circulating online.

“This explains a lot,” said Nicole Tube, a first-year chemistry major who appeared on TLC’s My Strange Addiction for her addiction to throwing her electronic devices across the room and out of windows. “Mostly it explains why I may or may not have bought a human left arm on the Free and For Sale Facebook page. I know people might judge me and think it’s weird, but I really needed a new one after what happened to my last one. Yikes.”

This story of forgetfulness should serve as a staunch reminder to the bike community that they should always remember where they parked their students. You never know how many arms your student will have — or not have — by the time you finally find them.
Written by: Brian Landry — bjlandry@ucdavis.edu

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