It’s perfectly logical
The illustrious UC Davis dining commons have it all. Vaguely ethnic food, Captain Crunch, rare salad dressings, apples, parfaits and diabetes can all be accessed through your custom meal plan. But there is one thing that under no circumstances can you obtain at the DC. That elusive treasure? A fork.
Students have long pondered the absence of forks at the DC. They have asked themselves questions like, “Why am I eating this enchilada-type dish with my fingers?” “How much am I paying for this meal plan again?” and “Why am I even alive?” But few students are privy to the secret behind the disappearance of literally the most important utensil.
Believe it or not, the answer is intuitive. Tiny farmers. For years, small farmers have tilled their small fields on the outskirts of Davis. Their tiny cows have produced thimbles of milk in pens made of golf pencils.
Yet in recent years small farmers have been in crisis. “We have no way to pitch our hay,” said a tiny voice, no louder than the mewing of a kitten. “We need some way to pitch our tiny hay and we have none.”
Farmer Daniel Bricklebottom is a fruit and vegetable farmer. His fields lie just west of the knoll behind the Student Community Center near the bike racks.
“We need these pitchforks so desperately. I know students must be confused about why there are no forks at the DC. They must be thinking, ‘wasn’t the DC designed for eating?’” He continued: “I just want students to know that if it wasn’t for their forks I wouldn’t have such a bountiful harvest this year.”
Bricklebottom was pleased to share with The California Aggie that he had grown six full-sized blackberries, three peas and a single stalk of asparagus.
Written by: Parker Nevin — firstname.lastname@example.org