First-year who graced us with his presence proceeds to prove his heroism
UC Davis student Robert Quail wasn’t just born; he was crafted by the gods. In many ways, you could say he’s an angel just by virtue of his very existence. It’s extraordinary to think that we almost lost our savior to the Golden Bears.
You see, Quail was admitted to both UC Davis and UC Berkeley. He chose to go to Davis. This has never happened before. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you the truth: once you get that acceptance to Berkeley, your Davis letter spontaneously combusts because the universe has already decided your fate. Our precious Quail would not let this be so! He grabbed his Davis letter and held it with all his might.
“Those people need me!” Quail wailed. “I cannot let them suffer without me.”
Thankfully, his letter did not disintegrate in his grasp; his soul is too pure for his form to be burned. When asked how he feels about his choice, Robert (per usual) stayed humble.
“You know, I don’t like to rub it in or anything,” Quail said. “I’ll just wear the Cal shirt every other week and take questions just to clear the air, if anyone is curious or something. Also, I comment on every single article that compares the two campuses so people know that, like, some winners go here too.”
Interim Chancellor Ralph Hexter meets with Quail once a week in order to pat him twice firmly on the back and gift him a muffin basket.
“We’ll probably give him the key to the city soon,” Hexter said. “It’s just so hard to find time to hold a ceremony like that because Robert has ‘be awesome’ penciled in his schedule 24 hours a day, every day.”
Quail, no matter how many times he graciously informs people, still encounters the occasional Aggie who has no clue what he did for this campus. He has proposed an easy solution to alleviate their embarrassment.
“We’ve danced around the idea of replacing the Egghead in front of Mrak with a bronze statue of myself,” Quail said. “I know it sounds so extra but, hey, anything to make our school the best it can be.”
Written by: Olivia Luchini — firstname.lastname@example.org