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Sunday, October 17, 2021

Humor: If Einstein is so smart, why is he dead?

AL AUMULLER / PUBLIC DOMAIN

Couldn’t think your way out of being a worthless sack of meat, could you?

Albert Einstein has long been considered one of the greatest minds of our time. Advancements in science, math and truths about the universe can be attributed to his vast body of work. With only the power of his mind he established the law of mass-energy equivalence through his famous formula E=mc² — possibly the most brilliant discovery ever made in physics.

But if he was so special, why is he rotting in the ground just like everyone else who got too old to live? He couldn’t even outsmart a process that my eight-year-old nephew David understands. Hey, egghead, where’s your big brain now?

Let me put this another way. Imagine you are biking home, minding your own business, when suddenly a little robot man comes up to you and asks you if you want a free pizza. How cool would that be? I wish I could invent a little pizza robot man. But I can’t because I’m not a talented scientist. But here’s the mind blower: Einstein was. Hey, grandpa, if you were so brilliant, where the heck is my free pizza?

What if you had machine that would let you go back in time? What if you could beat up John Wilkes Booth? What if you could stop Shrek the Halls from being made? Ready for me to shatter your reality even more? Buckle up. Einstein didn’t even try to make a time machine. Where’s my time machine, you dweeb?

Making a hat that turns you invisible is a no-brainer. Literally everyone would be chill with having an invisibility hat. I spent maybe 30 seconds thinking about that and I came up with a brilliant idea. And here’s where things get astonishing: Einstein didn’t even consider a shaped covering for your head that also makes you transparent.

Give me a break, Nerdstein.

As bright as Einstein might have seemed, there are some glaring issues with the idea that he was truly smart. How are there not rocket boots? Why are little kids idiots? Why am I not a spaceman? Hey, Einstein, if you have such a big brain, maybe try using it once in awhile?

Oh wait, you can’t, because you’re dead.
Written by: Parker Nevin — phnevin@ucdavis.edu

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