A look into avoidance tactics students use against weirdly friendly solicitors
Who’s that person who just said “hi there!” to you with such enthusiasm? Is it your best friend? Is it a coworker you’re running into outside of work? No. It’s a stranger who would like you to take “just one minute of your time” to help stop Donald Trump.
People like this are popping up all over campus. They don’t all want the same thing, but all of them are equally terrifying to many students.
“I was just trying to walk from the library to the CoHo to grab some lunch,” said Becky Trombone, a third-year plant biology major and the Guinness World Record-holder for the largest pile of dirt constructed entirely using a single toe. “But on my way I had to avoid so many of these solicitors that I crossed a single road seven times. I’ve never put so much effort into a single activity. I just couldn’t handle the penetrating eye contact that they always make. It feels like they can look into my eyes and immediately know all my darkest secrets. It’s too much to handle. And why do they always say ‘hi’ to me when I’m still so far away from them? It’s just weird.”
Not all students view these campus mainstays with such pessimism, however. Some find encouragement in the causes they fight for.
“I think these people are amazing,” said Randal Chung, a first-year managerial economics major and professional human wall clock. “They told me that together we could stop Donald Trump! And all they needed was my credit card information! Plus my Social Security Number, home and school address, the original copy of my birth certificate and a photo of my entire family. But that’s it. Oh, and the GPS tracker they installed in my skull. But that’s all. And now together we’re going to stop Donald Trump. Who knows how we’re going to do it, but I’m not worried at all.”
Written by: Brian Landry — firstname.lastname@example.org