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Monday, April 15, 2024

Humor: Edgy cow gets second ear tag after hitting emo phase


Life became so much darker for Beefy Cowlhoun after he hit those wretched teen years

If you thought that the phase of heavy eyeliner, terrible taste in music and worshipping Hot Topic was exclusive to humans, you’re wrong. Beefy Cowlhoun turned one year old this last weekend, which, as we all know, is 14 in cow years. This birthday came with an extreme shift in personality, which led to an odd wardrobe choice.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into him,” said Beefy’s mother, Moolissa Cowlhoun. “He strutted out with a second tag on his ear this morning. It says ‘Green Day is better than hay.’ I get the rhyme structure, but I don’t even know if he knows who Green Day is. I also don’t think he knows that our tags are not for aesthetic reasons. I’m hoping it’s just a phase.”

Beefy insists that this is the “real him,” not simply a phase. Alongside the extra tag, Beefy dyed his tail and the tuft of hair on his head jet black, which is crazy because he doesn’t even have thumbs.

“It’s not about how I got the tag or the hair dye,” Beefy said. “It’s about the fact that society is so screwed up. They all exist in a herd, losing individuality like a bunch of sheep or something.”

The sheep in the pasture next to Beefy glared at him with the utmost disgust as he commented this. Beefy slowly shuffled away, managing to make it all the way over to his iHome to play the music he has been curating to express his new self.

“It might sound like I’m just screaming vigorously while shaking a cowbell, but it’s poetry,” Beefy said.

Beefy can be found strutting around his section of the barn while flaunting his new tag. Students, more than anything, are confused by the Evanescence and My Chemical Romance posters that keep popping up inside the barn.

“If someone ever tries to eat me, I hope they cook me well-done — just like my heart,” Beefy said, with a swift flip of his jet-black bangs.

Written by: Olivia Luchini –– ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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