Humor: New edition of text to include 26 exhilarating new sentences

NADIA DORIS / AGGIE

What’s an extra $150 anyway?

DAVIS, CA — As a “journalist,” I’m often able to report on stories that have a real fake impact on the population at large. These stories have the power to inform and shape opinion, to transform the world around us. But it’s rare that a story comes along like the one I will weave for you today. A story which pertains to a matter of real groundbreaking importance. A story which may move you to tears. A story about the addition of 26 sentences into the second edition of Brian J. Mattis’ masterwork Essential Organic Chemistry.

Reader, I know what you’re thinking: “how could there be a second edition to something that is already perfect in the first place? There is no second edition to the Bible.” To this I would respond that there is a second edition to the Bible — it’s called the New Testament.  

As hard as it might be to understand how wunderkind author Mattis could possibly improve his magnum opus, against all odds he has done it.

The second edition of Essential Organic Chemistry will include not 24, not 25, but 26 brand new sentences. The majority of these new sentences tie organic chemistry to pop culture references. Although detractors might say that organic chemistry needs pop culture references like a fish needs a birthday party, these pop culture references will knock your socks off.  

Some of the new sentences included in this edition:

 

  • Sodium bis(2-methoxyethoxy)aluminium hydride is also known as “Red-Al” as it is comparable with LiAlH4. Wouldn’t it be fun if the multi-platinum pop music album “Red” by Taylor Swift was instead called “Red-Al?”
  • With no signs that chemical innovation is slowing, the current pace of substances added to CAS REGISTRY over the next 50 years would suggest registration of more than 650 million new chemical substances. 650 million is also the number of downloads of the popular cartoon collection and mobile battle game app “Pokemon Go.” It’s fun to talk about “Pokemon Go.”
  • Friedrich Wöhler was a German chemist who is well-known for synthesizing urea in 1828.  He is widely considered the father of organic chemistry. Do you remember when Darth Vader said to Luke, “I am your father?” That was fun. This is a fun reference which will make this text much more enjoyable to you and your classmates.

 

Yes, the second edition is a must-have for anyone serious about taking organic chemistry to complete their major requirement. It’s also a must for the consummate Brian Mattis enthusiast. Although you might be asking, “Do I really need to spend the additional $184.82 for this new edition?,” it’s important to break down the cost into its true value.

Each new sentence will only cost you an additional $7.10. For the price of a salad dressing packet at the CoHo, you can own an additional sentence of knowledge. As any college student knows, debt is only real if you aren’t spending it on your education.

Written by: Parker Nevin — phnevin@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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