For those with a sense of humor, these readings are sure to bring some much-needed insight (plus a good laugh)
Aries: Has your mind recently been plagued by the incessant, inescapable thoughts about the inevitable passage of time? Do you feel that you have yet to find your purpose in life, that every waking second is a reminder that our precious time on earth is fleeting and that all we truly have are the connections we make with other living beings? If so, the stars say, “I feel you.” That’s all I got. I’m so afraid.
Taurus: Quick question for you, Taurus: What qualities do you look for in a romantic partner? I’m asking for a friend, so please email me immediately to share your input. Oh, I almost forgot — you’ll find a $100 bill on the ground, but it will be cursed, so just give it to someone you can’t stand.
Gemini: My lovely Gemini, if you have been seeking the advice of a higher power this week, keep your eyes on the ground, for the stars are telling me that an ancient rat will deliver a special message to you. His name is Great Albert, and you’re probably wondering if he will pass on a horrific disease to you as he whispers in your ear. The answer is: probably, but it will be worth it. Great Albert only accepts 7 ounces of brie cheese as payment, so make sure to have that on you at all times, just in case…
Cancer: Does the thought of the upcoming weeks terrify you to no end? If so, rejoice in the simple things in life, like nature! The famous turkeys of Davis have nothing but good intentions, and bonding with the usually ravenous squirrels will surely put your mind at ease. Just keep your distance and preferably cover your eyes at all times.
Leo: It’s bound to be a rough week for you when it comes to communicating with a housemate and please note that it will be your fault. Maybe you haven’t done your share of the dishes or taken out the trash? And when was the last time that you cleaned the bathroom when it was clearly your turn? It’s really not that difficult.
Virgo: It’s universally acknowledged that you are the superior sign of the Zodiac, and please don’t argue with me on this one, as this was confirmed by the late and great astronomer Carl Sagan. Anyways, I wanted to tell you that you are a ray of sunshine in this cruel and unforgiving world, and that you deserve to live forever and accomplish all of your goals in this life.
Libra: “His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already: Mom’s spaghetti…” These moving and iconic words were written by none other than your fellow Libra, Eminem. You have artistic blood flowing through your veins, and the stars are telling me that you must sign up for the next rap battle in your town, regardless of talent and previous experience. Remember, this week’s goal is solely to make Marshall Mathers proud, so if you were planning to study for finals, just toss that idea out the window right now.
Scorpio: My otherwise sweet grandma is convinced that all Scorpios are the devil incarnate, so prove her wrong this week by donating all of your savings to her GoFundMe project, which is to build life-size iCarly character statues made of celery, homemade pesto and pure gold. The universe is sure to send you karma points for supporting her dream, and I can finally stop having to listen to ol’ Grammy talk about how all Scorpios should burn in the eternal flames of hell, so you’ll be doing us both a favor.
Sagittarius: My charismatic pal, your charm is sure to come in handy in the upcoming weeks, as an eclipse is rotating at the 90th angle of your solar plexus, transcending through Venus’ Achilles heel, making its rounds to Mars and finally stopping in your north node on the dark side of the moon. I’m an expert, so trust me when I say that this will be the ideal time to propose to the person who you’ve been dating for 2 months.
Capricorn: A black cat named Saint Roberta will touch you gently with her paw and you will feel instantly rejuvenated and ready to take on the brutal week ahead. Until then, take care of yourself, my friend.
Aquarius: Everybody knows you as the intellectual one of the group, so why not summon some courage this week, show up early to class and start to teach the day’s lecture? Your professor is bound to be impressed, and if not, look them deep in the eyes and announce your new found dominance with a “Look at me… I’m the captain now!” With this type of attitude, the whole world can be yours.
Pisces: If the haunting terror of being alive is getting to you this week, sit back, take a deep breath and take solace in your favorite memes. Can you relate to the quiet surrender and defeat of Pepe, or does the sheer panic portrayed in the Mr. Krabs meme make you feel like you are not alone? Either way, I’m told that memes are the stuff of stardust, so use them to your advantage in these difficult times.